The Kung Foole Proverbs

 

Leaves Upon a Stream

These are the collected proverbs of one Philip the Foole. He moved on to Jest on a different plane, on April 14, 2013.  As spectrum eulogized: The Jester’s cap sits empty; no one can replace the Foole.

The collection as it appears here is copied from the Fetlife pages of archivist spectrum153.  Fetlife pages are not indexed by major search engines, but this page is.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Jesters do oft prove prophets” – Shakespeare
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Through a strange set of events, I became the Archivist for the Kung Foole Temple, charged with collecting and preserving the Ancient Kung Foole Proverbs.
Philip the Foole originally indicated that these should be allowed to float down the river and disappear, like leaves. The current seems to have tossed them up on this bank.
-^-^spectrum-^^-
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Test of Enlightenment: If you feel warm and brotherly toward a pile of warm dog shit lying in the road, then you may or may not be enlightened.
– Ancient Kung Foole Saying

For the samurai to learn,
There’s one thing only.
One last thing.
To face death unflinching.
He did that.
– Ancient Kung Foole Saying (and epitaph for my own beloved friend.)

“Safety Rules are Written in Blood.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Saying

Tell the truth (or as much of it as seems safe.) You will eventually end up with a group of people around you that you don’t have to lie to.
– Ancient Kung Foole Sayings

If there’s no cheese in one branch of the maze, try a different branch
– Ancient Kung Foole Sayings

Show me the “enemies lists” a person’s name appears on and I’ll tell you who sie is.
– Ancient Kung Foole Saying

It is said that the Kung Foole priests can walk through walls.
Looked for, they cannot be seen.
Listened for, they cannot be heard.
Touched, they cannot be felt.
But when they apply the art of Tongue Foole, there’s no doubt as to their location.
– Ancient Kung Foole Saying

Plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“Take this as your fixed abode – The center cannot hold.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Security is learning to ride the whirlwind.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb from “The Wizard of Oz.”

“It costs exactly what you have. How could there be any other way?”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

It is said that the Kung Foole priests can walk through walls. Looked for, they cannot be seen. Listened for, they cannot be heard. Touched, they cannot be felt. But take away their lock picks and tie them up with some snug leather restraints and they’re not going anyplace.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Always know where your dowel is.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

It is said that the Kung Foole priests can walk through walls. This may or may not be true. It is certainly true that while high on endorphins and other ancient herbs, they often walk into walls.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Peace through superior firepower.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

The best way to learn a throw is to be thrown a thousand times.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

I’m sorry if I hurt you little darling.
I thought for a second there, you moved.
– Ancient Kung Foole Country Western song.

Take this lifesaver.
Now stick your tongue through it.
That’s _all_ I want to see.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Whoopie Goldberg

The Islamic mystics called the Sufi have a classic story about a Dervish who was captured by a giant ogre. The Dervish told the ogre he had magic that made him stronger than the giant. The giant suggested a nap. The Sufi, suspicious, rolled out of his bedroll, arranged the blankets to look like they were still occupied, and hid in the cave. The giant woke up, took a log, and smashed the dervish’s blanket seven times, then went back to sleep. The Sufi got back in bed and called out: “Oh giant, your cave is comfortable, but I have been bitten seven times by a mosquito. Please do something about it.” The giant then decided it was safer to leave the Sufi alone. Next morning, seeking to test the master, the giant threw him a cow hide and asked him to fetch water for tea. The Sufi, who could not have lifted the hide in any case, dug a trench to a nearby stream. The giant, impatient, filled the cowhide himself and made tea. Then he asked the Sufi why he was taking so long with the trench if he was so strong. The Sufi said: “I am using the minimum effort required to do this task properly. Besides, I knew that you are such a creature of habit that you would use your old method in any case. Doing things right takes time.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Idries Shah

If people want to be part of an “Inner Circle” the polite thing to do is to form a ring around them.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

A weapon for every range, a belt for every occasion and a kata for every arrangement of the furniture.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Bricks don’t hit back
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb
Still, don’t get your throat in the way of a technique that can snap a brick.
– Another Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Your living room can be the bridge of Magellan’s ship, or you can watch another ballgame.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

This is my body.
God is food.
A mighty hot dog is our God.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

People who engage in religious persecution never call it religious persecution.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

One day a student showed up late for class at the Kung Foole temple.
The Master made the student come to the center of the mat and repeatedly slap the Master in the face.
The student was never late for class again.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Paint on the outside of everything – “I am the Living God.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

A cat, when asked how many lives he’d used up, said “It’s bad luck to keep count.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Don’t get married for six weeks after taking ecstasy.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

The larger the sample size (n) the more confident you can be that your sample mean is a good representation of the population mean. In other words, the “n” justifies the means.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws evolve”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb once used as an excuse by Elf to stare at the front of a T-shirt.

A single skilled chemist, working alone, can produce forty to sixty million hits of LSD in one weekend. That gives hir more real evolutionary power than the government of Switzerland. Well, no, not Switzerland, they have the banks. But — the government of Finland, let’s say.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Terence McKenna.

If you meet the Buddha on the road, hit him in the face with a pie.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

A kata for every arrangement of the furniture.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

One blanket, woven of many brightly colored fibers.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

He calls all those things “odd” which are beyond his comprehension, and thus lives amidst an absolute wilderness of oddities.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by E.A. Poe

The presence of counterfeits indicates the existence of real gold, except in the case of free e-mail porno pix.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

The middle names of Bob are numberless. I vow to laugh at them all.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Cop and blow is the name of the game.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“Of course the Dharma-body of the Buddha was the hedge at the bottom of the garden. At the same time, and no less obviously, it was these flowers, it was anything that I — or rather the blessed Not-I — cared to look at.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Aldous Huxley (In “The Doors of Perception” – an account of Huxley’s first mescaline trip).

If there’s no cheese in one branch of the maze, try a different branch.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb
If there’s no cheese in the maze, blow up the maze. What the hell did the maze ever do for you?
– Ancient PMS Proverb by DLynn

If he calls himself a Master, he ain’t.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

The brain is the largest sex organ and intelligence is the ultimate aphrodesiac.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“I believe that just as we regard freedom of speech and religion as fundamental rights, so should we regard freedom of self-medication as a fundamental right; and that, instead of mendaciously opposing or mindlessly promoting illicit drugs, we should, paraphrasing Voltaire, make this maxim our rule: I disapprove of what you take, but I will defend to the death your right to take it.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Dr. Timothy Leary

I don’t recommend illegal drugs, guns, insanity and violence to everyone, but they’ve always worked for me.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

Catherine the Great was a Voltaire Groupie. They corresponded regularly for over twenty years.
– Ancient Kung Foole Factoid contributed by one of my delightful penpervs.

The way to improve the signal-to-noise ratio is to post signal, and to encourage others who do.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“I’m not here to rock the boat. I’m here to sink the fucking boat.”
– Putney Swope

Now this is the law of the jungle
As old and as true as the sky
And the wolf that shall keep it may prosper
But the wolf that shall break it must die.
As the creeper that circles the fig tree
The law runneth forward and back
For the strength of the pack is the wolf
And the strength of the wolf is the pack
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by R. Kipling

To the Victor belongs the Spoiled.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

King Henry (to prostitute): “You were wonderful.”
(Aside to Thomas Becket): “You always have to tell them that. Even when you pay them.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“I weep for you,” the Walrus said,
“I deeply sympathize.”
With sobs and tears he sorted ou
Those of the larget size,
Holding his pocket-handkerchief
Before his streaming eyes.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“O Oysters,” said the Carpenter,
“You’ve had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?”
But answer came there none-
And this was scarcely odd, because
They’d eaten every one.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Lewis Carroll

Reporter: What is your artistic vision?
Showgirls’ Director: I like to take pictures of naked women.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Nietzsche is pietzsche.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Hai, Calypso
I sing to your spirit
The men who have served you
So long and so well.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by J. Denver

Nobody’s getting out alive and you can’t take it with you. Chill and have a beer.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by D.B. Cooper, Tibetan Buddhist Master and Harley Mechanic

Always tell the truth. Or as much of it as seems safe. You will eventually end up with people around you who you don’t have to lie to.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“Born on a mountaintop in Tennessee,
Greenest state in the land of the free”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by D. Crockett

Ancient Kung Foole Proverbs, like sushi, are best when served fresh.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Listen for the echo.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

I read alt.sex.bondage and exchange feeble twitticisms with my penpervs. In doing this I am practicing Kung Foole, I am living Kung Foole. No wordy discussion is necessary, nor any explanation.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (with apologies to D.T. Suzuki)

Cheap and meaningless sex is still pretty good.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Woody Allen

A man should aspire to be the helpless victim of the furious rage of a beautiful woman.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Swineburne (Posted on the dungeon wall of Chicago Pro Domme Margaret Morecock)

Erotic poverty is a sin against the Divine.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Margaret Morecock

Never say “I love you” when “That was a great blow job” would be more accurate.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Mr. Jynx.

Never beat your wife with your sword. It shows a lack of respect for the sword.
– Ancient Samurai Saying
Show respect when you beat your wife with your sword.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

No sound in the world is more satisfying than the crunch of your enemy’s skull under your teeth after you’ve given him the chance to back off and he’s refused it.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by D.B. Cooper, Tibetan Buddhist Master and Harley Mechanic

Becket: Tonight you can do me the honor of christening my forks.
King Henry: Forks?
Becket: Yes, from Florence. New little invention. It’s for pronging meat and carrying it to the mouth. It saves you from dirtying your fingers.
King Henry: But then you dirty the fork.
Becket: Yes, but it’s washable.
King Henry: So are your fingers! I don’t see the point!
Becket: Well, it hasn’t any practically speaking, but it’s refined, it’s subtle, it’s very…..un-Norman.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“I love to conquer men’s asses.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Mistress Sherri

The Joker can run an excellent simulation of the mind of Batman. Batman, however, has absolutely no clue as to what goes on in the mind of the Joker.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“Top me, slave boy. Do it now.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Margaret Morecock

“Being bisexual automatically doubles your chances for a date on a Saturday night.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Woody Allen

A dominatrix once came to the Kung Foole Temple. The night janitor of the temple said: “Show me your Kung Foole.” The domme sat down in full lotus posture to meditate. The night janitor tied her into this position with way more rope than was really necessary, then beat her with a cane, shouting: “We don’t need any more stone Buddhas!”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

A Zen priest once came to the Kung Foole Temple. Seeking to annoy him, the night janitor asked: “Why did the Buddha cross the road?” Without missing a beat, the Zen priest said: “To get to the same side.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

We will pray with those old Druids
They imbibe fermented fluids
And dance naked through the wuids
And it’s good enough for me
Give me that old time religion…
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Pete Seeger

Hey Torquemada! Wadda ya say?
I just got back from the auto-da-fe.
Auto-da-fe? What’s an auto-da-fe?
It’s when ya know ya hadn’t oughto
But ya do it anyway.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Mel Brooks

Show me a dom/me who won’t eat their sub and I’ll show you a sub I can steal.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

No matter how spicy you like your food, someone will tell you that it is too hot and someone else will say it is too bland. Season to your own taste.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Never bet on Star Trek trivia if your opponent speaks Klingon.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Oh! Oh! Oh what a night!
Oh what a garden of delight!
Even now that sweet memory lingers
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Paul Simon

“Somebody once said that in looking for people to hire, you look for three qualities: integrity, intelligence, and energy. And if they don’t have the first, the other two will kill you. You think about it; it’s true. If you hire somebody without the first, you really want them to be dumb and lazy.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Warren Buffet

“It is important for a man’s sexual development that he learn what it feels like to be penetrated. This is the ritual deflowering of the cow herds by the milkmaids…”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Margaret Morecock

Playfully, you hid from me.
All day I looked.
Then I discovered I was you,
and the celebration of That began.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Lalla – mystic poet and nude table dancer.

“I’ve joked in the past about the weirdo oxygen-snorting fish who advanced evolution. But let’s be honest. Some fish aren’t ready to sniff oxygen.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Dr. Timothy Leary

“If you have to go away to come maybe you need to be elsewhere to begin with.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Margaret Morecock

Never say anything more predictive than “Watch this!”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

The only thing worse than being a bottomless pain slut is being a Top-less pain slut!
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by KingDiaper

Sometimes … all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by K.D. Lang A verse from her “Drag” album which comes strangely to mind.

You can’t turn an ocean liner on a dime.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half-full of cocaine and a whole galaxy of multicolored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers… Also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of Budweiser, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls… But the only thing that worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible than a man in the depths of an ether binge…”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Dr. Hunter S. Thompson (Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas)

“Look Ruth,” I said, sounding surprisingly normal, “these mushrooms are stronger than I expected. … Then I was gone into the fabled optical department. Nile palaces, Hindu temples, Babylonian boudoirs, Bedouin pleasure tents, gem flashery, woven silk gowns breathing color, mosaics flaming with Muzo emeralds, Burma rubies, Ceylon sapphires. Here came those jeweled serpents, those Moorish reptiles sliding, coiling, tumbling …
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Dr. Timothy Leary (Flashbacks)

“The spirit of erotic perversity is like boiling water. It requires the continuous application of energy.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Upon reading the Bible, we find it full of prodigies and miracles. It gives an account of a state of the world and of human nature entirely different from the present: of our fall from that state: of the age of man, extended to near a thousand years: of the destruction of the world by a deluge: of the arbitrary choice of one people, as the favorites of heaven; and that people the countrymen of the author: of their deliverance from bondage by prodigies the most astonishing imaginable: I desire any one to lay his hand upon his heart, and after a serious consideration declare, whether he thinks that the falsehood of such a book, supported by such a testimony, would be more extraordinary and miraculous than all the miracles it relates …
…. we may conclude that the Christian Religion not only was at first attended with miracles, but even at this day cannot be believed by any reasonable person without one.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by David Hume (“Of Miracles,” in An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding, 1748)

Take the best parts from each religion. The Christians have some absolutely first-rate Christmas carols. The Jews have some very tasty deli products. Zen Buddhists have that neat whack-with-a-stick tradition. Goddess worship will improve your chances of getting laid by dominant hippie chicks. The Whirling Dervishes can spin to ecstacy without drugs (only if absolutely necessary, of course). If you’re going to take up Shiva worship, bring plenty of extra wrist cuffs.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Love is like a star of heaven
Burning in the endless sky
When it falls, it bursts asunder
As it lives, so shall it die.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Mason Williams

“It takes a special kind of butch to wear a Victorian lace skirt…”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Margaret Morecock

When you shake hands with a buyer, keep a hundred dollar bill folded up in your palm. That man will never be too busy to shake your hand.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Philip the Foole’s grandfather, the most successful salesman in the history of one of America’s largest corporations.

“If you snooze, you lose.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“In my youth,” said the sage, as he shook his grey locks
“I kept all my whips very supple
By the use of this ointment – one shilling the box
Allow me to sell you a couple?”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (almost) by Lewis Carroll

If you play rough sports, you get a few bruises.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Foole: Riding in the back of Davo’s van with Lady Foole and Fnord’s human slaves while Fnord enthusiastically whipped me with the Dreaded Koosh Flogger was one of the most deeply religious experiences of my life.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

I awaken with delight.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

In the clearing stands a boxer
And a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders
Of every glove that laid him down
Or cut him till he cried out
In his anger and his shame
“I am leaving, I am leaving”
But the fighter still remains …
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Paul Simon

In the clearing stands a jester
And a lover by his trade
And he carries the reminders
Of every love that laid him down
And cut him till he cried out
In his passion and his zest
“I am coming, I am coming”
For the jester’s still the best …
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Arrow Blue

Two manta rays mating off the coast of Maui, gently brushing their wings together. My lower lip softly strokes your clit.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Play for control of the center of the board. The combinations play themselves.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

A poet once committed suicide to gain the attention of critics. His work was judged to be without value.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak but they are commanded to be under obedience, as also saith the law. And if they will learn any thing let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.
…. If any man think himself to be a prophet, or spiritual, let him acknowledge that the things I write unto you are the commandments of the Lord.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb, from “Evangelists of Gor” (Corinthians 1:14:34-37)

Carpe noctum! (Seize the night!)
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Remind yourself that when you die, your “in basket” won’t be empty.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Richard Carlson (In “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff, and it’s all Small Stuff.”)

I don’t claim that every single word in the Bible is utter, mind-rotting rubbish. For example, if the Bible advocated smallpox vaccination (it does not say anything so useful, of course) I would not automatically be in favor of smallpox. However, if such a petty, vengeful tribal war god as the Bible portrays actually existed, I would feel it was my ethical obligation to destroy him.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

DNUA (Do not use abbreviations.)
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Inch time
Foot gem
This day will not come again
Each moment is worth a precious gem
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Don’t dream it. Be it.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb from “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”

It’s time to kick ass and chew bubble gum. And I’m all out of gum.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Duke Nuke’em

Scoundrels often go about garbed as angels or gurus.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Pat Califia (in Bitch Goddess: The Spiritual Path of the Dominant Woman)

Sometimes the Universe reaches down and says: “You are getting too damned cocky, Cupcake.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Margaret Morecock

If one person calls you an ass, laugh it off. If a dozen people who seem to be fairly sound thinkers in most other respects call you an ass, get fitted for a saddle.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Some say love
It is a river that drowns the tender reed
Some say love,
It is a razor that leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love
It is a hunger, an endless aching need
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Bette Midler

Don’t sweat the small stuff – and it’s all small stuff.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

I’m not sure what Tantra is, but when we are together I come closer to it than I ever thought I’d get.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Margaret Morecock

Anybody can top with a cane. Now a twig…
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Margaret Morecock

I know I’ve made some rather poor decisions lately, but I’m alright now, Dave.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Hal 2000 (after killing the entire crew.)

Aikido Master (loudly, to class of magic/rainbow/crystal/healing types):
Brush by. Blend with opponent’s ki.
(very softly, to crash test dummy Foole, giving barely perceptible elbow pulse to ribs during entry.)
You understand “Brush by?”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“This pathetic dweeb has never seen any hot lesbian sex and he never will. Let’s close the door and leave him kneeling outside while we play.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Margaret Morecock

…. do not conform to stereotypes. Know that they’re there – and then use them like any other writer’s tool. They are made to be tampered with, stretched, pasted in to fill empty spaces, plastered over little gaps. Stereotypes are the Silly Putty of writing. Beware of making them the duct tape.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Laura Antoniou (Leatherwomen III)

Never question your lover’s taste in lovers.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Drugs are regulated in part because our society doesn’t like it when people engage in quests for transcendental experiences …
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Pat Califia (in “Doc and Fluff: The Dystopian Tale of a Girl and Her Biker.”)

Inch time
Foot gem
This day will not come again
Each moment is worth a precious gem
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Fiat justitia ruat caelum. (Let justice be done though heaven falls.)
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

On up and away and a ga and a go-go.
Escape from the weight of your corporate logo.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Frank Zappa

Funny face, with serious eyes,
Dare I peer below your disguise?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by malskept

I want a sensitive man. One who will cry when I hit him.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb on a button on Margaret Morecock’s dungeon wall.

People say that I’m out of touch with reality. That I’m insane.
Sometimes I forget things. Who I am. Where I am. Unimportant things.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by The Tick

Five hundred trips and they’ve all been bummers. But I ain’t givin’ up.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by the Forty-year-old Hippie.

“What did you use for the fuse?”
“Cannon fuse.”
“Where’d you get that?”
“My cannon.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from “Tremors”)

“…I read Faraday’s ‘Chemical History of a Candle,’ a set of six Christmas lectures for children. The point of Faraday’s lectures was that no matter what you look at, if you look at it closely enough, you are involved in the entire universe.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Richard P. Feynman, in “The Meaning of it All: Thoughts of a Citizen-Scientist” Helix Books, Reading, MA, 1998

Six hundred miles ‘tween here and Memphis
There’s a dozen men along the way
“Never stop and let ’em do no lookin.”
That was what my Daddy used to say.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by the New Riders of the Purple Sage (from “Whiskey”)

I fought the law and I won.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by D.B. Cooper, Tibetan Buddhist master and Harley mechanic

The Buddha rests as comfortably in the slippery, winking eye of my strap-on as he does in your lotus, Cupcake.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Margaret Morecock

Everything in moderation, including excess.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

If you plan to start a food business, don’t plan to see the people you were having dinner with who suggested the idea to you for the next several years.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Tanith T., over dinner.

You can always make something a little bit worse, and therefore a little bit cheaper.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Roar Joshu’s “MU!!!” like a lion filling heaven and earth and you will really annoy the librarian.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. You can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you. I mean if I went around saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bink had lobbed a scimitar at me they’d put me away.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Monty Python

One-two, one-two and through and through the vorpal blade went snicker-snack.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Acrostic is a poem form
Containing a device
Rhyming’s not essential, it
Only makes it nice
Sometimes it is difficult
To write Acrostic muse
It took a lot of patience
Composing this for youse
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Mason Williams

Ordinary men hate solitude, but the Master makes use of it, embracing his aloneness, realizing he is one with the whole universe.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Lao-Tzu

STella moves like a gentle breeze among the homeless, crazy street people, imperceptible as the slowly moving shadow of a tree. As I watch, she levitates, turns invisible, and walks through walls. I bow in deep respect.
“Cheap theatrical effects” growls STella.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

BRAHMA

If the red slayer think he slays,
Or if the slain think he is slain,
They know not well the subtle ways
I keep, and pass, and turn again. …

They reckon ill who leave me out;
When me they fly, I am the wings;
I am the doubter and the doubt,
And I the hymn the Brahmin sings.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Ralph Waldo Emerson

If I had my life to live over, I’d spend way more time doing BDSM.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Do virgins taste better than girls who are not?
Are they saltier sweeter more juicy or what?
Do you savor them or wolf them down on the spot?
Do virgins taste better than girls who are not?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by the Bedlam Bards

Says she I’m a lady and you are a Smithie
You have brought your hammer and anvil with you?
Well I looks on the bed, I sees whips chains and shackles
And reassures her that I knows what to do
….
From sundown to sunrise we bastied each other
we bastied each other, oh Lord it was true
Come morning the cock crew we stared at each other
And realized then we’d forgotten to screw!

Oh Lassie, come beat me, come beat me!
Oh Lassie, come tie me up too!
Oh Lassie, come beat me, come beat me!
We’ve no’ done it right if we’re not black and blue!
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (Beat Me) by the Bedlam Bards

“I studied a little bit a long time ago.”
– Response by a Korean 7th degree black belt to Foole’s question on whether he’d studied martial arts.

“Once you’ve got their money, never give it back.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Yes, I am a masochist.
What are you going to do about it,
lit-tle
contemptuous little finger flick by shackled wrist
Boy?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Margaret Morecock

In the Neolithic Age savage warfare did I wage
For food and fame and wooly horses’ pelt.
I was singer to my clan in that dim, red Dawn of Man,
And I sang of all we fought and feared and felt.
….
Then I stripped them, scalp from skull, and my hunting dogs fed full,
And their teeth I threaded neatly on a thong;
And I wiped my mouth and said, “It is well that they are dead,
For I know my work is right and theirs was wrong.”

But my Totem saw the shame; from his ridgepole shrine he came,
And he told me in a vision of the night:–

“There are nine and sixty ways of constructing tribal lays,
And every single one of them is right!”

– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Rudyard Kipling

Foole: “What is this rock on your table, Relic Monger?”
Relic Monger: “You have a keen eye, Sir Foole. It happens that this is the very rock that David used to slay Goliath. And it’s yours for a mere quarter.”
Foole: “That is indeed a bargain for such a Holy Relic. I’ll take it. But what is this feather sitting next to it?”
Relic Monger: “Why, this is a magic feather. If you wear it behind your ear it protect you against all manner of scoundrels and swindlers. And it is a mere quarter.”
Foole: “I’ll take it.”
Relic Monger: “You are indeed a shrewd bargainer Sir Foole! Would you care to try these magical bean bags? They are said to impart dexterity.”
Foole: “I can juggle! It’s a miracle!”
Crowd presses forward to purchase the magical bean bags.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

She turned me into a newt!
A newt?
I got better.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Monty Python

“Philip, you are such a fag.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Margaret Morecock, on hearing of my fisting party adventure.

Whatever you believe to be true is true, or becomes true within limits to be determined experimentally and experientially. These limits are further beliefs to be transcended.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Dr. John C. Lilly

How do you feel about your creation now Dr. Frankenstein?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Police Chief: “I am shocked to learn that gambling is going on in this establishment.”
Casino Employee: “Your winnings, Sir.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from Casablanca)

This motley garb gave me my lovely lady
It opened up her eyes and ears to me
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (with apologies to John Denver)

When you’re stuck for an idea, call a meeting with some smart people.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

You got anything better to do?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Keep in mind always the present you are constructing. It should be the future you want.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Alice Walker

I eat when I’m hungry, I drink when I’m dry.
If the devil don’t get me, I’ll live till I die.
– Ancient cowboy proverb (Rye Whiskey)
“Whoever wrote that is not far from enlightenment.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Zen Master, on hearing the cowboy song “Rye Whiskey.”

She said: “Reality check, Philip. I am naked and tied to a torture table. We are both tripping. You are stabbing a sharp dagger into my breast. Do you think this is safe?” Questions like this are very annoying to a priest of Quetzelcoatl.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

One of the hot leather lesbians said: “I don’t usually get along well with men, but you don’t seem like a man.” Of course not. I’m just a hot leather lesbian with a dick. Now bend over and grab your ankles, bitch.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

I had him by the throat. One of my feet was braced on the bench. He was thrusting his body back as hard and fast as I was thrusting in. I knew I wasn’t strong enough to strangle him, but I had him just right: I could throttle him into dizziness, almost to passing out, into a vast, almost-orgasmic plane where he would feel like he was getting butt-fucked on a cloud in heaven. I could keep him there or bring him back just by varying the pressure. The powerful feeling of having him in my hands was filling my heart as well as my cunt.
Suddenly I was acutely aware that I did not know his name.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Carol A. Queen, “The Leather Daddy and the Femme,” in Pat Califia’s “Doing it for Daddy.”

He was brought across in 1228.
He preyed on humans for their blood.
Now, he wants to be mortal again
To repay society for his sins
To emerge from his world of darkness
From his endless, forever night.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Lacroix, the senior vampire from the superb Canadian vampire cop t.v. show “Forever Knight.” Printed text can’t begin to convey the sarcasm that Lacroix puts into the line “to repay society for his sins.”

“Cyberspace is a very large pond, and consequently attracts an awful lot of pond scum.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Tanith T.

If two people think the same on everything, there’s only one person thinking.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Owa
Tagoo
Siam
– Ancient Kung Foole Mantra by Mr. Natural

…. luckily I didn’t go into the mountain
I went over the cliff
I knew it was the end
I looked down
I thought
Wow! Some trip.
…. I knew it wasn’t the best song I ever wrote. But I didn’t have time
to change it.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Arlo Guthrie

Yippie yee, yippie yi, yippie yo-ti-kai-yay,
He who lives by the gun
Will go the same way
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

The Indian (to a newcomer): So, have you stopped beating your wife yet?
Newcomer: (face flushing red with fury) Who told you I was beating her??!!
D.B. Cooper: You did. Just now, asshole.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by D.B. Cooper, Tibetan Buddhist Master and Harley Mechanic

“Ecrasez l’infame!” (Destroy the infamous thing!”)
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Voltaire

Matrix (Arnold Schwartzenegger): holding bad guy dangling over cliff by one ankle Do you remember, Solly when I promised I was going to kill you last?
Solly: That’s right Matrix! You did! You did!
Matrix: letting go I lied.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Arnold Schwartzenegger

It’s amazing what you can do with a cheap piece of meat.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from “Eating Raoul”)

These country DJ’s all think I’m an outlaw
They’d never come to see me in this dive
Where the bikers stare at cowboys
Who are laughing at the hippies
Who are loading up their greasy .45’s.
– Ancient Kung Foole Country & Western song (last line modified from “Who are hoping they’ll get out of here alive” by D.B. Cooper, Tibetan Buddhist Master and Harley Mechanic)

Honey, when you base your life on a fictional story, there’s a name for it. Religion.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Arrow Blue

It takes around 1,000 tries to get one right, so I’d advise you to get started right away.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by the Lone Stranger

“Always keep Ithaca in your mind. To arrive there is your ultimate goal. But do not hurry the voyage at all.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by C.P. Cavafy

“Bi, poly, switch. I’m not indecisive, I’m greedy.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by NBarnes

Win or lose, there’s always Huyperian beetle snuff.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Quark (Ferengi Rules of Acquisition, #65)

Never underestimate a femdom named “Fluffy.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness. Well, OK, maybe not the best minds. Just the bunch of twisted, drooling, cackling sicko perverts that hung out on SSB.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Our Corporate Christmas Motto:
If I had my way, every fool who goes about with “Merry Christmas” on his lips would be boiled in his own pudding and buried with a stake of holly through his heart.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by E. Scrooge

Bus driving is more useful than Zen.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by the Zen bus driver

Take the best parts from each religion. The Christians have some absolutely first-rate Christmas carols…
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Sometimes the doctors can help. Sometimes they can’t.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Frank Zappa (after being diagnosed with terminal cancer.)

When a Zen master eats an apple, he eats the whole apple.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Cargo Cult Science
In the South Seas there is a cargo cult of people. During the war they saw airplanes land with lots of good materials, and they want the same thing to happen now. So they’ve arranged to make things like runways, to put fires along the sides of the runways, to make a wooden hut for a man to sit in, with two wooden pieces on his head like headphones and bars of bamboo sticking out like antennas–he’s the controller–and they wait for the airplanes to land. They’re doing everything right. The form is perfect. It looks exactly the way it looked before. But it doesn’t work. No airplanes land. So I call these things cargo cult science, because they follow all the apparent precepts and forms of scientific investigation, but they’re missing something essential, because the planes don’t land.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Richard P. Feynman

The Night Janitor of the Kung Foole Temple was once asked why the Temple did not use belt ranks. He gestured to the students doing their forms.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Don’t try to break a brick in public until you can break two bricks in private.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Puff the magic dragon, lived by the sea
And frolicked in the Autumn mist in a land called Honalee.
Together we should sing it.
It’s just a children’s song,
And if you do not know the words …
You had better learn them.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Peter, Paul and Mary

When I eat an egg in the morning, I don’t need to eat the whole egg to realize that it is rotten.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

The night janitor of the Kung Foole Temple once attended a lecture by Chilean acidhead/mystic/con man Oscar Ichazo, the guru of a school of experimental mysticism called Arica. He led the “school song” in his heavy Spanish accent:
Ichazo: “God is eternal, He is in all of us. He is in everything. He is One without second …”
Female student: Why do you refer to God as male?
Ichazo: I deed not say “He ees een all of us.” I said “Ees een all of us.”
From that day forward, the school song became: “God ees eternal. Ees een all of us. Ees een everything. Eees One without second…”
It wasn’t just coincidence that this guy was the guru.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Gordon Liddy and I are the only two convicted felons from the Sixties who have definitely not been rehabilitated.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Dr. Timothy Leary

Hippie Dude: (to Foole) You wanna smoke some reefer and get high, man?
Foole: Dressed in psychedelic shaman cap & bells, blood singing, falls to floor of day-glo paisley schoolbus in helpless fit of laughter
Hippie Dude: (to D.B. Cooper) Like, what’s he on man?
D.B. Cooper: (deadpan as always): He quit smoking pot when he discovered real drugs.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

I went and I returned. It was nothing special. Rozan famous for its misty mountains; Sekko for its water.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Trim your nails, go real slow and use way more lube than you think you need.
– Ancient Kung Foole fisting advice

We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like “I feel a bit lightheaded; maybe you should drive. …” And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was screaming: “Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?”

Then it was quiet again. My attorney had taken his shirt off and was pouring beer on his chest,to facilitate the tanning process. “What the hell are you yelling about?” he muttered, staring up at the sun with his eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sunglasses. “Never mind,” I said. “It’s your turn to drive.” I hit the brakes and aimed the Great Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway. No point mentioning those bats, I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

sigh of utter happiness I never thought I’d have such a great experience as a bottom. I always figured I’d have to somehow act submissive, which I am really bad at. It’s my great good luck that our Humble Jester likes topping bossy, bitchy, sarcastic smart-asses. – Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Margaret Morecock

Lady Foole: What are you watching on video?
Foole: Robert Redford in “The Horse Whisperer.”
Lady Foole: That’s a chick flick that even I wouldn’t watch. Pretending to be sensitive again, are we?
Foole: You know my methods, Watson.
Lady Foole: You’re not fooling anyone.
Foole: I rather enjoy the roping and branding bits.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Submission ain’t fer sissies.
— Ancient King Fool proverb

Bondage will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no bondage.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (almost) by the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers

Nothing difficult was ever easy.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Groucho Marx

Some folks only sigh when their boundaries are overstepped. I snarl. Deal.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Leona Joy – The Lioness who kneels.

From “Battle Raven”
by Catt Kingsgrave-Ernstein

I am one sword out of many
I am one face out of three
The Maiden, Crone and Mother
Stand united within me
….
Bring the lightning to my sword
Lashing, living in my hand
And bring warning to the horde
That here the Battle Raven stands
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by The Ravens (from “Rise With the Moon”)

Always keep a supply of Steven Davis’ sicfic on hand in case your securely tied-up partner asks you to read them a bedtime story.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

It is wise to seek humor in all things, lest others do it for/to you.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Alcore Nilth

If you can’t laugh at yourself, someone else is going to do it for you, and you’re not going to enjoy it nearly as much.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Harry Ugol

Logon to Usenet
Firefly phosphors on the screen
Another flamewar
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Kryptonian bad guy in Superman movie: “Kneel before Zod!”
Lady Foole (doing her impression of Al Pacino in “Scarface:” “I want you to meet my leetle friend, Zod.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

A Zen priest once asked the widow of a famous master for her permission to write a biography.
“Oh yes, yes,” she said emphatically. Tell many funny stories.”
The writer objected that another very famous, very serious Zen guy had said that no one should write about the master who had not experienced his samadhis (deep states of meditation)
“Good!” she said clapping, with delight in her voice. “There’s your first funny story!”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by David Chadwick (from: “Crooked Cucumber – the Life and Zen Teaching of Shunryu Suzuki”)

King Arthur: Who is your lord?
Dennis the Mud Gatherer: I told you. We don’t have a lord. We’re an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week, but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs, but by a two-thirds majority in the case of …
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Monty Python

What you believe to be true is true, or becomes true within limits to be determined experimentally and experientially. These limits are further beliefs to be transcended.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Dr. John C. Lilly

Aikido Master: Stretch out fingers in front of opponent’s eyes. He flinch back and fall.
Foole: But Sensei, what if he doesn’t flinch back?”
Aikido Master: looking concerned That very bad. If he no flinch back, maybe hit eyes on fingers.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

There is no such thing as an unstoppable technique. If one existed, there would be no martial arts. Everyone would simply use that technique.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“Did you ever pick your feet in Poughkeepsie?”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb used by Gene Hackman to confuse and disorient a suspect during an interrogation in “The French Connection.”

A warrior was once shot with a poisoned arrow. He refused to let the doctor treat him until the doctor could tell him who shot the arrow, where it was made, and what specific kind of poison was on the arrow point.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“Well, here you are, naked and tied up with duct tape in an abandoned warehouse, about to be tortured by a serial killer.”
“Mmmmm. Right where I want to be.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

D.B. Cooper (;appraising Foole’s gift of a “Jolly Roger” kite);: Isn’t that a little too much truth in advertising?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

It was the kind of place that made that phase “dive” sound like a refreshing plunge into a clear stream. It was dark and dirty, during a time when the world was becoming bright and clean. The floor was unwashed and sticky with matter that it didn’t pay to think about, as your shoes velcroed across the floor. You felt but didn’t hear that sound, though, because the talk and the glassware and the noises from under the floor drowned out such things. Yeah, under the floor… was the dungeon, down a wobbly wooden staircase in the back. The slings suspended from the ceiling beams down there made the floor creak in the bass register, as they rocked back and forth, while the moans and yells of those under the lash provided the treble.
Nobody knew these days who Dan had been. Maybe the first owner, maybe the last. Bolo, the huge barkeep, was bald and of indeterminate gender, and definitely Not Dan. Rumor was that whatever Bolo’s Real Name was, it had a Ph.D. after it. None of the Denizens gave a shit.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from “Dan’s Den – The Retrieval”) by Spectrum

Foole, sitting in a beautiful rose garden, meditating/hallucinating, hears an angelic voice: “This is the Holy of Holies!”
Foole is awestruck, bows to the ground.
Workmen (hallucinated) start carrying away obviously fake prop rose bushes.
Director’s voice yells “Cut! Strike the ‘Holy of Holies’ set!”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Gangster: “I want to commission a picture of a nude toreador girl being charged by a bull with a man’s head.”
Feynman: “Well, uh, it would help me a little if I had some idea of what this drawing is for.”
Gangster: “I want it for my business establishment.”
Feynman: “What kind of business establishment?”
Gangster: “It’s for a massage parlor: you know, private rooms, masseuses — get the idea?”
Feynman: “Yeah, I get the idea.” … “Suppose the cops come in and they see this picture, and you’re claiming it’s a massage parlor.”
Gangster: “OK, OK, You’re right. I’ve gotta change it. What I want is a picture that, if the cops look at it, is perfectly OK for a massage parlor, but if a customer looks at it, it gives him ideas.”
Feynman: I figured out how to do it. I would draw a slave girl in imaginary Rome, massaging some important Roman — a senator, perhaps. Since she’s a slave girl, she has a certain look on her face. She knows what’s going to happen next, and she’s sort of resigned to it.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Dr. Richard P. Feynman (from “The Art of Richard P. Feynman: Images by a Curious Character” compiled by Michelle Feynman)

“…what I have written here is a silly, misleadingly unscholarly piece, designed to infuriate.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Dr. Geoffrey K. Pullum (from “The Great Eskimo Vocabulary Hoax”)

“What Tutu Pele like take, she take.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by an elderly Hawaiian after the Volcano Goddess “Auntie” Pele accepted his offering of a bottle of vodka and then burned his house down anyway.

After several years had passed, the Zen priest returned to the Kung Foole Temple. Still seeking to annoy him, the Night Janitor wrote him a note: “Why did the Buddha cross the road?” The Zen priest wrote back: “Not to go anywhere special.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“Seven years of college down the drain.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by John Belushi (from “Animal House,” after entire fraternity got kicked out of school)

Odds that a U.S. adult believes the Sun orbits the Earth: 1 in 4.
Odds that a U.S. adult cannot read a bus schedule: 1 in 2
Odds that a British adult does not know that the U.S. was once part of Britain: 1 in 3
Odds that a U.S. adult cannot name any country the U.S. fought against during World War II: 1 in 3
– Ancient Kung Foole Factoids

“There in the middle of this mall is the Washington Monument, 555 feet high. But if we put a 1 in front of that 555 feet, we get 1555, the year that our first fathers landed on the shores of Jamestown, Virginia, as slaves. In the background is the Jefferson and Lincoln Memorial. Each one of these monuments is 19 feet high. Abraham Lincoln, the 16th president, Thomas Jefferson, the 3rd president, and 16 and 3 make 19 again. What is so deep about this number 19? Why are we standing on the Capitol steps today? That number 19, when you have a 9, you have a womb that is pregnant, and when you have a 1 standing by the 9, it means that there’s something secret that has to be unfolded.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Statistics by Louis Farrakhan (quoted in Martin Gardner’s “Notes of a Fringe Watcher,” Skeptical Inquirer, March/April 1997.)

“Ah, but the strawberries! That’s, that’s where I had them. They laughed at me and made jokes, but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt, and with, with geometric logic, that, that a duplicate key to the wardroom icebox did exist.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Humphrey Bogart (as Captain Queeg in “The Caine Mutiny.”)

The last time I saw you, you looked so much bolder,
My famous black strap-on rammed up to my shoulders
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Margaret Morecock (after Leonard Cohen’s “Famous Blue Raincoat”)

Nazi Officer (;gathering up diamonds offered as bribe by Oskar Schindler and putting them in his pocket);: I am not saying that I am accepting them. All I say is I am not comfortable with them on the table.
– Ancient Kung Foole Business Ethics (from “Schindler’s List”)

Itzhak Stern (;munitions plant manager);: We’ve received angry complaints from the Armaments Board. The artillery shells, tank shells, rocket casings – apparently all of them have failed quality control tests.
Oskar Schindler: That’s to be expected. Startup problems. This isn’t pots and pans. This is a precise business. I’ll write them a letter.
Stern: They’re witholding payment.
Schindler: Sure. So would I. So would you. I wouldn’t worry about it. We’ll get it right one of these days.
Stern: There’s a rumor you’ve been going around miscalibrating the machines. …
Schindler: If this factory ever produces a shell that can actually be fired, I’ll be very unhappy.
– Ancient Kung Foole Business Ethics (from “Schindler’s List”)

Politician: Start a rumor that my opponent has sex with farm animals.
Advisor: But that isn’t true.
Politician: That’s OK. Let him deny it.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

As the bell tone fades
Blossom scents take up the ringing
Evening shade
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Basho

“Her English is too good,” he said. “That clearly indicates that she is foreign.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Professor Henry Higgins (in My Fair Lady)

If you want to find out where your armor is weak, check your bruised spots.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

There was me, that is Alex, and my three droogs, that is Peter, Georgie, and Dim, Dim being really dim, and we sat in the Korova Milk Bar making up our rassoodocks what to do with the evening.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Anthony Burgess (from: “A Clockwork Orange – being the adventures of a young man whose principle interests are rape, ultra-violence, and Beethoven.”)

Some Baptist ministers are men who cheat on their wives.
Therefore all men who cheat on their wives are Baptist ministers.
Some serial killers are sexual sadists.
Therefore all sexual sadists are serial killers.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

When you are considering hiring someone, ask yourself: “Will hiring this person raise the average I.Q. of my group?”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Bill Gates

They wouldn’t listen to the fact that I was a genius
The man said “I got all of them that I can use.”
Now I got them steadily depressin’
Low down, mind messin’
Workin’ at the carwash blues.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Jim Croce

The contemporary World War on Drugs is nothing more nor less than the modern manifestation of the millennial struggle between state power and individual freedom; between the proselytizers of purely symbolic simulacra of religion – propagandists of what Blake called “pale religious lechery” – and the practitioners of the real thing – for religion is an experience, not merely a “social activity with mild ethical rules.” This War on Drugs originally started as a War on Religious Experiences, and it is nothing new…
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Jonathan Ott

“Step up to Red Alert!”
“Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Rimmer and Kryten, (from Red Dwarf)

Fleeing the Cylon tyranny, the last battlestar, Galactica, leads a ragtag, fugitive fleet on a lonely quest – a shining planet, known as Earth.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“The French don’t care what they do actually, as long as they pronounce it properly.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Professor Henry Higgins

I am the Universe’s center.
No subtle critics can confound me.
For how can other viewpoints enter
When all the rest is all around me?
– Ancient Kung Foole grook by Piet Hein

I move in circles to keep the water flowing over my gill slits while I feed.
– Ancient Kung Foole Flame by Trystilarn

A society which has failed to produce a desire for its continued survival in one of its members has failed in a very important aspect of behavioral engineering.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by psychologist B.F. Skinner

The first time you try anything is not going to be a masterpiece of flawless presentation.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

The one way in which every town is most alike is in their absolute certainty that they are not like any other town.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

We took these islands by force and treachery – the same way Kamehameha took them.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

How can I tell that the past isn’t a fiction designed to account for the discrepancy between my immediate physical sensations and my state of mind?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Douglas Adams (The Restaurant at the End of the Universe)

If an apple is magnified to the size of the earth, then the atoms in the apple are approximately the size of the original apple.
– Ancient Kung Foole Perspective by Richard P. Feynman (in “Six Easy Pieces.”)

I like my men simple
And rough to the touch
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by k’Shandra

“The Godfather” is the I Ching.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from “You’ve Got Mail.”)

If you were queen of pleasure,
And I were king of pain,
We’d hunt down love together,
Pluck out his flying feather,
And teach his feet a measure,
And find his mouth a rein.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Swinburne

Out in the West Texas town of Laredo
I fell in love with a young Sufi girl
Nightime would find us in dervish cantinas.
Music would play and Felina would whirl
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Happy trails to you …
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Dr. Timothy Leary

“(;Bill Gates); would be a broader guy if he had dropped acid …
– Steve Jobs
“But I did.”
– Bill Gates
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

There once were two gibbons from Ghana
Who fucked as they shared a banana
The tree limb then broke
So they quickened their stroke
Fell through a warp in the space-time continuum and ended up in Montana.
(Talk about a deus ex monkeyna.)
– Ancient Kung Foole Limerick

Slave bells ring, are you listening?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Bing Crosby

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Robert Frost

Perhaps I can call a temporary halt by reporting the episode which caps all earlier uses of the Aphorism. Properly enough, it was another giant, this time, Freud, who clarified its import, once and for all. It came to pass when Stekel, that unwanted disciple of Freud and regarded by him as a conscienceless pretender to science, tried to make self-interested use of the Aphorism. Stekel had become thoroughly persuaded that his ideas surpassed those of the master. He liked to express this by saying, with arrogant modesty, that a dwarf on the shoulders of a giant can of course see farther than the giant himself. Comes then the giant’s grim crusher when he hears of this claim: “That may be true, but a louse on the head of a astronomer does not.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Otsog by Robert King Merton (from “On the Shoulders of Giants.”)

I keep getting richer
But I can’t get my picture
On the cover of the Rolling Stone
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show

An army without profanity couldn’t fight its way out of a piss-soaked sack.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by General George S. Patton

Now you have such good taste in your women for sure
They always are pretty. They always are pure.
But your notion of dining it makes us all flinch
Your favorite entree is a barbecued wench
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by the Bedlam Bards, “Do virgins taste better than girls who are not?” on “Take out the Trash.”

Oh the moonlight gleamed off her handcuffs
As she gave me the back of her hand
And the whip cracked down as I lay there
Tied up with her black leather band.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (Black Leather Band) by the Bedlam Bards

The map is not the territory.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“What did he want?”
“He wanted what all men want.”
“He wanted you to dress like Wonder Woman, tie him up with your golden magic lasso, and force him to tell the truth?”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from “Back to School.”)

In a neat little town called Gomorra,
By cruel distress I was bound
And many’s the hour of happiness
I spent there while I was tied down.

Well, She liked to go strolling down Broadway
On a short leash I couldn’t go far
Reined in by that frolicsome damsel
With the tattoo and the dagger-shaped scar
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (Black Leather Band) by the Bedlam Bards

It has been my experience that if you hang out with the right bunch of twisted, drooling, cackling, sicko perverts and tell them your erotic fantasies, they are not likely to remain fantasies.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

I’m a picker, I’m a grinner, I’m a lover, I’m a sinner
I play my music in the sun
I’m a joker, I’m a smoker, I’m a midnight toker
I get my loving on the run
You’re the cutest thing I ever did see
I really love your peaches, gonna shake your tree.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Steve Miller (The Joker).

There’s a man who lives a life of danger
To everyone he meets, he stays a stranger
With every move he makes, another chance he takes
Odds are he won’t live to see tomorrow.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from “Secret Agent”)

Does she show great enthusiasm when you mount her?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from “Little Big Man.”)

Walk me to the corner
Our steps will always rhyme
You know my love goes with you
As your love stays with me
It’s just the way it changes
Like the shoreline and the sea
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Leonard Cohen

“Is this a game of chance?”
“Not the way I play it.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by W.C. Fields

“Taking the kitty out for a walk.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Tanith T.

That’s really the first wave – when it hits me, the way his eyes are looking at me when he says that simple thing, “Ok.”. That’s my world, at that moment. This man that I care so much for, that I adore, has just agreed to be tortured, not only for me, but by me.
It is more romantic than a hundred red roses.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Akasha

Kung Foole Proverbs, like sushi, are best when served fresh.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Foole (in response to groans and complaints from students after having them erase a “creative” project from their computers): In “Seven Years in Tibet” the monks make an elaborate sand painting to represent the impermanence of things. A Chinese officer marches through the painting and kicks it to bits with his boots.
Student: So, in this scenario, you would be the Chinese officer?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Foole (to Lone Stranger, while standing on hotel balcony observing hot leather muscleman): “Tell me the truth, Masked Man, doesn’t he do anything for you?”
Lone Stranger: “Nope.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Alive and well.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Your own true mantra calls to you.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Master Nansen was washing clothes.
A monk said: “Is the master doing such a thing?”
Holding up the clothes, Master Nansen asked: “What is to be done with them?”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

I shall th’ effect of this good lesson keep
As watchman to my heart. But good my brother
Do not as some ungracious pastors do,
Show me the steep and thorny way to heaven,
Whilst like a puff’d and reckless libertine
Himself the primrose path of dalliance treads
And recks not his own rede.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by W. Shakespeare

I don’t want to feel dispassionate towards any element of my existence, even if the process leads me to my own destruction.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by dgrador

“What is your tribe, Dancer?”
“Scotch-Irish.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb heard at a pow-wow.

I am called Legion, for we are many.
– Ancient Multiple Personality Case

When I get a little money, I buy books. If there is any left over, I buy food and clothing.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Erasmus

It’s not that I don’t understand him. I just don’t like the son-of-a-bitch.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

This is a .22 caliber derringer, one of the smallest, lightest handguns ever made. It’s over a hundred years old and might not even penetrate your skull if I miss your eye socket. So you have to ask yourself just one question: “Do I feel lucky?”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Lady Foole

An emperor keeps bugging a famous artist to draw a cat. Months go by. No drawing. Finally, the exasperated emperor shows up at the door and demands his painting. The artist takes his brush and paper and dashes off a perfect cat painting. The emperor is astounded. “If it’s that easy, why didn’t you just do that months ago?” The artist walks over to the cupboard and opens it. Hundreds of cat paintings tumble out. – Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

RUMorF?
Are you “Top” or “Bottom?”
Are you “Gay” or “Het?”
Is the switch “On” or “Off?”
– Ancient Kung Foole Koans

Every town must have a place where phony hippies meet.
Psychedelic dungeons popping up on every street.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Frank Zappa

Prepare the meal with the ingredients available.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Bernard Glassman (from “Instructions to the Cook: A Zen Master’s Lessons in Living a Life that Matters.”)

To improve the signal-to-noise ratio, post signal, and encourage others who do.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Let me not to the meeting of true minds admit impediments.
Love is not love that alters when it alteration finds.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Shakespeare

“No love,” quoth he, “but vanity, sets love a task like that.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Leigh Hunt (The Glove and the Lions.)

One of their Gods

When one of them passed through the market place
of Seleucia, toward the hour that night falls
as a tall and perfectly handsome youth,
with the joy of immortality in his eyes,
with his scented black hair,
the passers-by would stare at him
and one would ask the other if he knew him,
and if he were a Greek of Syria, or a stranger. But some,
who watched with greater attention,
would understand and stand aside;
and as he vanished under the arcades,
into the shadows and into the lights of the evening,
heading toward the district that lives
only at night, with orgies and debauchery,
and every sort of drunkenness and lust,
they would ponder which of Them he might be,
and for what suspect enjoyment
he had descended to the streets of Seleucia
from the Venerable, Most Hallowed Halls.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Constantine P. Cavafy (1917)

Get your motor running. Head out on the highway. Looking for adventure. Or whatever comes our way.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Steppenwolf

Even za orchestra is beautiful.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Joel Gray (from Cabaret)

One morning in early Spring, the Night Janitor of the Kung Foole Temple, under the influence of an unusually strong pot of herbal tea, climbed out onto a tree branch over a fast-flowing, icy river above a waterfall. Regressing to a monkey, he violently shook the branch, making it sway wildly. A fall would mean certain death. “Morning tree shaking activity” he thought. Slowly the question formed “What am I saying? What am I saying?” and the answer formed “My life is on a branch.” At that moment, a fresh green bud appeared on the tree limb and said, telepathically, “Eat me.” How sweet it tasted!
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Someone has to be the brackets.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Margaret Morecock

Black Adder, Black Adder,
A bit like Robin Hood
Black Adder, Black Adder,
But nothing like as good.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

I like to play with sharp, dangerous toys.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Leona Joy

All religions pass, but this will remain: simply sitting in a chair and looking in the distance.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by V.V. Rozanov

Now I am created Shiva – The Destroyer – Death – The Shatterer of Worlds.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (said to his drinking buddy, Arjuna after transforming into the myriad beings.)

I wish we had one of them Doomsday Devices.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from Dr. Strangelove.)

It’s a sophisticated game of “Rock, Paper, Scissors.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from “Pokemon”)

“There’s something fascinating about the aliveness in the corners of your eyes.”
“No shit, Sherlock.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

There is none but the One
– Ancient Whirling Dervish Proverb

Pressing palms together in a formal-kneeling “prayer” position
You can always come back to this position
Strength …
and Humility
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Margaret Morecock

Foole (;at a concert that featured some Gospel music);: How can you, a pagan priest, participate in this “Praise the Lord” crap?
Pagan Priest: I add “and the Lady” under my breath.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“The only dungeon equipment I need is my hands, as you taught me, Philip. Of course, a bit of rope is nice.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Margaret Morecock

Hippie Dude at Barter Faire: You want to buy a pot seed man? Only ten bucks.
Foole: Back when I smoked that stuff, before I discovered real drugs, I threw the stems and seeds away.
Hippie Dude: I want to work with you, man. Seven bucks.
Foole: Do you have any of that “Blue Felix” acid everyone is saying is too strong?
Hippie Dude: I don’t use that stuff, man. It isn’t natural.
Foole: Cyanide is natural! Botulism is natural! Just because something is “natural” doesn’t mean it’s good for you!
Hippie Dude: How about a brownie, man? Only five bucks. They’re all-natural.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

She told me again, she preferred handsome men
But for me she would make an exception.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Leonard Cohen

Maturity is a most erotic character attribute.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Spectrum

“You want a label for yourself? You’re a comfortably well-adusted bisexual sadomasochist with a strong bondage fetish. Now get out of here. I’ve got some real nutballs to deal with.”
– Ancient Kung Foole psychiatric advice given to young Philip the Foole

I had a choice between fixing the manuscript or painting the front porch. I knew if the manuscript went the way of all my previous manuscripts, namely piles of rejection slips, I would have nothing to show for my Summer, so I painted the porch.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Scott Turlow, (of “Presumed Innocent,” the #1 best selling novel and film starring Harrison Ford that made him a millionaire.)

Mullah Nasrudin was judging a dispute. The first man stated his case.
Nasrudin said “You are right.”
The second man stated his case.
Nasrudin said: “You are right.”
A third man said “Wait a minute! They can’t both be right!”
Nasrudin said “You are right.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

A dominatrix was once lying on a bed with her hands bound behind her with the silk tie from her own bathrobe. The night janitor of the Kung Temple scissored her legs between his, held her hair tightly and pinched her nipple, using the Buddha’s hand gesture known as the “mudra of perfection” (the “OK” gesture). Whenever her attention wandered and she started babbling on with philosophical questions about how to behave in the universe, he gently brought her attention back to her nipple.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Master Po: To the cat, the rat is evil. To the rat, the cat is evil.
Young Caine: But Master, surely one of them is evil!
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“The Indian” (to a newcomer): Have you stopped beating your wife yet?
Newcomer (face flushing with rage): Who told you I was beating her?
D.B. Cooper: You did. Just now, Asshole.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by D.B. Cooper, Tibetan Buddhist Master and Harley Mechanic

“Mewtwo isn’t evil. He just wants to rule the world.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by the MiniFruitBat, age six, after watching “The Pokemon Movie.”

Become a Buddha!
– Ancient Zen saying (while squishing a mosquito)

Do not teach your grandmother to suck eggs, Van Helsing!
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Dracula (ridiculing an amateur attempt to hypnotize him) (from “Love at First Bite”)

I’ll concede the possibility that I might extend the period of my existence by exercising more and by eating less and eating more healthily. However, the utility of extending the period of one’s existence by increasing one’s (unwanted) discomfort and depriving oneself of pleasure is something of which I’m not convinced. And since tomorrow is promised to no one, not even the healthy, I don’t choose to live my life with less pleasure in the hope that by doing so I might live longer (what was the name of the character in “Catch-22” who sought out the most boring tasks so he’d live longer?). Should I be run down by a bus, I want it to be after eating lasagna and cheesecake, not tofu.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Steven S. Davis

Where’s the fun in beating a rock? Or in being a rock?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“When my equations didn’t work out, I would watch the girls.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Richard Feynman, testifying at the obscenity trial of the owner of a nude dance club where he scribbled equations on bar napkins five or six nights a week. (from LA Times, 11/8/69)

“I wanted to learn about hallucinations, so I tried the flotation tank.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Richard Feynman (to Philip the Foole)

I explain, when I can get away with it, that G-d and I are very close, and get along very well. I don’t always do everything He wants and He doesn’t always do everything that I want. Neither of these facts has interfered with our closeness.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Thorney

Intelligence, like the quality of being a “Master,” is an area in which it is prudent to allow the observer to draw their own conclusions.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

I don’t frequent either churches or bars as I seek to avoid places which dispense a mind-rotting product.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Steven S. Davis

Now all the children have gone to bed and we can play.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Mastery is demonstrated, not proclaimed.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Binder

“The chicks are packed!”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb from “The Warriors” with a very appropriate hot lesbian sex double entendre

I know what I’m doing. Let go of my ears.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Leave your personal soap operas at the door.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“Choking in Judo is safe because since the advent of Judo statistics show no fatality attributed to the shime-waza. Moreover, scientific studies on choking reveal no deleterious after effects.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by E.K. Koiwai, M.D. (cited by Jay Wiseman as an authority on this subject)

“That’s … rather nice, isn’t it?”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Barbarella (as the Orgasmatron warms up)

Foole (e-mail negotiation for a fantasy role-play scene): How do you feel about being tied up and raped with a dagger?
Penperv: Rape with the dagger, or rape while holding one? Oh, what the hell. Go for it.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“Normal” people are dull clods.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

They reckon ill who leave me out;
When me they fly, I am the wings;
I am the doubter and the doubt,
And I the hymn the Brahmin sings.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Ralph Waldo Emerson

Eternity is a mere moment, just long enough for a joke.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Hermann Hesse

I sat by the duck pond. For the first time since my heart surgery, the pain-killing drugs wore off, and I experienced the full extent of the trauma. The pain was blinding, world-shattering, incredible. It could only be described as … hilarious. I couldn’t stop laughing, as though I had suddenly gotten the punch line to an hysterically funny joke.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Trekkie: I’m a mature adult. I know it’s only a television show.
Captain: It’s all real.
Trekkie: I knew it!
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb from “Galaxy Quest.”

A mentor once asked me what my greatest fear as a writer was. I instantly replied, “that one day, someone with authority I respect will say, Laura, you’re a crappy writer. You can’t plot, your characters are weak, and I don’t know why anyone reads this stupidity.”
She laughed at me when I admitted this, and then asked, “OK, what’s the other fear – ’cause we all have that one, sweetheart”.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Laura Antoniou

Irizumi – Karateka (The Victim)

Softly whistled tune
Starless, moonless night
Silhouette with a gun
“Give me your money.”

Foot flashes out
Gun clatters on pavement
Spear hand, tiger claw
A groan, a body slumps

Brilliant pocket flash
Identity is clear
An address to memorize
A visit to repay later on

Wallet returned, weapons kept
The whistler hurries on.

– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by “A>3” early Foole Groupie

Yossarian: People are trying to kill me.
Psychiatrist: Why do you say that, Yossarian?
Yossarian: “They shoot at me when I drop bombs on them.”
Psychiatrist: “They’re not trying to kill you, Yossarian. They’re trying to kill everyone.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Joseph Heller (from “Catch 22” – approximated from memory.)

If there’s anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Zaphod Beeblebrox

This is Murphy’s way of doing a humiliation scene with you. I don’t believe in god, but I’ve never even remotely doubted Murphy.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Lynn/Sockermom

Life is. Deal with it.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Lady Foole

A little taste for the chef.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Foole: “I know, officer. I ran a stop sign.”
Cop: “It was a red light.”
Foole: “Oh. Sorry. I’m sleepier than I thought. We’re lost and trying to find our hotel.”
Cop: “It’s two blocks straight ahead. Drive them carefully and get some sleep.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

I vow to practice continuous mindfulness of breathing and smiling.
(The breathing part is relatively easy. The smiling part takes work.)
– Ancient Buddhist Prayer

I laid my heart open to the benign indifference of the universe …
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Albert Camus (from “The Stranger.”)

I don’t understand why someone with a jar of gourmet jelly beans would only want to taste one flavor.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

There once was a man named McNammiter
Whose tool had enormous diameter
But it wasn’t its size
That brought the girls’ sighs
But its rhythm – iambic pentameter
– Ancient Kung Foole Limerick

We rarely have a play party without every possible pervmutation of male and female tops and bottoms.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

If you climb, you may die or be seriously injured. This is true whether you are experienced or not, trained or not, equipped or not, though training and equipment may help. It’s a fact, climbing is extremely dangerous. If you don’t like it, stay at home. You really shouldn’t be doing it anyway. We do not provide supervision or instruction. We are not responsible for, and do not inspect or maintain, climbing anchors (including bolts, pitons, slings, trees, etc.) As far as we know, any of them can and will fail and send you plunging to your death. There are countless tons of loose rock ready to be dislodged and fall on you or someone else. There are any number of extremely and unusually dangerous conditions existing on and around the rocks, and elsewhere on the property. We may or may not know about any specific hazard, but even if we do, don’t expect us to try to warn you. You’re on your own.
– Ancient Kung Foole Safety Warning by Nelson Rocks

What the workplace needs is more casual nipple torture and platonic cocksucking.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Every form of refuge has its price.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“I feel strange. What is happening?”
“Your sigmoid colon is relaxing to accept my hand.”
“That seems kind of personal. I don’t know if I’m ready to have your hand in my sigmoid colon.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Contemplate serene beauty.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

90% of Science Fiction is crap. But then, 90% of everything is crap.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Theodore Sturgeon

We’re gonna nail this guy. And when we’re done, we’re gonna go eat raw fish off of those naked chicks.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from “Showdown in Little Tokyo”)

Always have a “Plan B” and a “Plan C” for when “Plan B” fails.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

While you may be looking for honey in the beehive, occasionally you are going to find bees.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Bert Herrman (from “Trust: The Hand Book”)

This is Hell, my Little Darling, and I am your tormentor.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Never play with anyone who is significantly crazier than yourself.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Trust your partner to “do the driving.” Then just relax and enjoy the fireworks. More precisely, become the fireworks.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Kimmie: “You evil, sadistic BITCH!”
Mz Randi: “Yes? You called?”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

They laughed, they scoffed, they called me MAD! MAAAAAAD!!!!!
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Zorro (needing a temporary double after twisting his ankle): “You don’t know how to use a sword? Do you know any kind of weapon?”
Zorro’s Gay Brother: “Well, I am pretty good with a whip.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from “Zorro, the Gay Blade”)

Mrs. Bad Guy: “My husband only makes love to me twelve times a year!”
Zorro: “Well, once a month is not too bad.”
Mrs. Bad Guy: “No, it’s twelve times all in the same night. The rest of the year – NOTHING!”
Zorro: “Tell me, on this one night … Does he eat anything special? Oysters, perhaps?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from “Zorro, the Gay Blade”)

Show me a Dom/me who won’t eat their sub, and I’ll show you a sub I can steal.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Overhead at a play party: “Would you like me to put your panties in the dryer for you?”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Big Medievalist Dude: “I am Iron Wolf.”
Foole: How come these guys never call themselves “Aluminum Puppy?”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Mad Hatter: I told you butter wouldn’t suit the works!
March Hare: It was the best butter.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb from “Last Tango in Paris.”

You know the kids enjoyed the party if they cry when it’s time to leave.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

I see you shiver with antici……..pation.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from “Rocky Horror Picture Show.”)

Tap for release? Hmmm, I’ve never tried that.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Jay Wiseman

Replace memory with memos.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by B.F. Skinner

“His street name is Tripod.”
“Does he walk with a crutch?”
“No.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from “Angel”)

I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from “American Psycho”)

Crossbows don’t kill people, quarrels do.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (A “quarrel,” like a “bolt” is a crossbow arrow.)

If men are foolish enough to wear their genitals inside out, it would be silly not to take advantage of the fact.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by STella

“Sir, the men don’t know if you’re crazy.”
“It isn’t important for them to know. It’s only important for me to know.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by General George S. Patton

“And now, the wheels of Heaven stop;
You feel the Devil’s riding crop;
Get ready for the future, it is Murder…”
“…When they said: ‘Repent,’ I wondered what they meant…”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Leonard Cohen…

Give me back my broken night
My mirrored room, my secret life
It’s lonely here
There’s no one left to torture
Give me absolute control
Over every living soul
And lie beside me, baby,
That’s an order!
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Leonard Cohen (The Future)

Pagan Priest: Let us salute the North, and the South, and the East, and the West …
Lady Foole: You got something against Northwest?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

I just make this stuff up as I go along.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Cliff Stoll: (;returning from the computer lab wildly excited, bouncing up and down, and spinning his trademark yo-yo);: Philip, I can now calculate the exact position of (;some bit of cosmic debris I’d never heard of.);
Foole: Cliff, I cannot possibly imagine a more worthless piece of information.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“Hard centers, soft centers… I like all the chocolates in the box”
– Ancient Kung Foole proverb by Carla the omnisexual (from “Better Than Chocolate,”with thanks to Kevin Craig).

A turtle once fell in love with a bird. The bird could not carry the turtle, nor teach it to fly.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Where’s the fun in torturing a rock? Or in being a rock?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Frankenfurter, it’s all over. Your mission is a failure. Your lifestyle’s too extreme.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from “The Rocky Horror Picture Show.)

Klaatu barada nikto!
(Do not destroy this world!)
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from “The Day the Earth Stood Still.)

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Anatole France

It is reported that leading hot lesbian sex erotica author Pat Califia and her lover have both undergone gender-reassignment surgery and are now living together as a gay male couple. In response to this news, I an only grovel deeply and say: “I am not worthy! I am not worthy!”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

According to a Gallup survey cited in Newsweek, 84% of Americans polled have not read a book all the way through in the past year.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (Anna Quindlen, “The Last Word,” 7/17/00)

Spray cuts with alcohol several times daily and slap vigorously.
– Ancient Kung Foole wound treatment instructions from Dr. “Negotiate any lasting marks” Ciedre.

He isn’t the kind of guy who would burn a cross on your lawn, but if there was one burning there already, he might stop to toast a marshmallow.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

If a guy wants to call me insulting names, he’d better have his cock up my ass at the time and be doing a good job of keeping me entertained.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

When ‘omer smote ‘is bloomin’ lyre
He’d ‘eard men sing by land an’ sea
An’ what he thought ‘e might require
‘E went and took – the same as me!
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (“When ‘Omer Smote ‘Is Bloomin’ Lyre” by Rudyard Kipling)

She has the mentality of a poet but the capabilities of killing a man like a warrior.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Renee O’Connor (of her character Gabrielle on Xena)

Just because someone is submissive does not mean that they are your submissive.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Clinton is the leader of the most powerful nation in the world. On top of which, he’s a babe. They should carry Monica to him every morning on a silver platter.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Margaret Morecock

Most of us are brought up believing that “real men” don’t admit to feeling emotional pain. Well, that is bull shit, folks. … Failure to deal with unexpressed emotional pain early on is probably the most common reason for relationship failure.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Guy Baldwin (in “Ties that Bind.”)

Ford stood up. “We’re safe,” he said.
“Oh good,” said Arthur.
“We’re in a small galley cabin,” said Ford, “in one of the spaceships of the Vogon Constructor Fleet.”
“Ah,” said Arthur, “this is obviously some strange usage of the word safe that I wasn’t previously aware of.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from “Hitch-hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.”)

Don’t commission an artist and then try to guide their paint brush.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Female submissive (to a female top): “I’d like you and Philip to co-top me because I want to try playing with women.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

The theme of this Chamber of Commerce meeting is “Celebrating Spokane’s Cultural Diversity.” But first, I’d like to introduce the past presidents of our organization.
(;Nine identical white-haired white guys in identical blue suits with identical red “power” ties stand up. I wait for the audience to explode into laughter at this hilarious prank. They don’t. );
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Domination is a stealth operation.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Margaret Morecock

The actual phrase that she said was, “If you even think of laying in this bed to sleep, much less attempting to touch me in ANY way, I will rip the offending appendages off and do stuff to you, with them, that would cause the dog to throw up.”
– Ancient Kung Foole “post-medical scene” Proverb by Gerard and Ciedre.

All I can seek is what I have known.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Once your partner becomes aware of how you view the world, they will start getting turned on whenever they notice you studying some new object with “that look.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb.

You know, for a het guy, you’re firming up pretty good there.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

As a gift, they left a blue silk ribbon tied in a bow …
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from “The Scotsman’s Kilt”)

If you feel warm and brotherly toward a pile of warm dog shit lying in the road, you may or may not be enlightened.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

I carried my two-year old son on my shoulders as we walked across the corn field, telling him the story of “Joshu’s MU.” I pointed to a cow and asked him “Does that cow have the Buddha nature? Laughing in delight, he shouted “MU! Daddy! MU!”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

For the customs of the people (;are); vain: for (;one); cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the ax. They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb from the Book of Scrooge (Jeremiah 10:3-4)

I found myself in a bookstore where — because even though you can’t always get what you want, if you try sometimes, you just might find that you get what you need — I found these words from the medieval mystic Teresa of Avila:
Christ has no hands on earth but yours, no feet but yours, no lips but yours…
And I felt instantly whole again, remembering that my skin, lips, cunt, were all doing, that weekend, precisely what they were made for.
I drove back to my dominant playmate’s room and held out my hands for the tawse, no hands on earth but mine the right ones for that moment.
– DLynn, laying a square of chocolate at the feet of the wooden figure of Teresa on her desk and kissing the saint’s plain forehead, just to please Philip
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Mick Jagger, St. Teresa of Avila, and DLynn

Convict to his cell-mate: Seventeen arrests. Seventeen convictions.
(;sigh); Maybe it _is_ me.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (quoted by Jay Wiseman in “The Clue Letters.”)

Phil, it’s time you abandoned this “old judo injury” story. When the cartilage in your hip joint wears out, it’s called arthritis. It is a symptom of old age.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by JKay

When I visited Beijing, I commented to my translator that I had not seen any cats in the entire city. “The Cantonese eat them.” “Don’t you get over-run with rats?” “They eat them too. The Cantonese eat everything with legs except the table, everything that flies except a kite, and everything that swims except the boat.”
– Ancient Chinese Proverb

Foole: If you want to pretend to be a native you’ve got to pronounce it “Spo KAN.”
Margaret Morecock: Why on Earth would anyone want to pretend they were a native of Spo KANE?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

The practical upshot of all this is that if you stick a Babel fish in your ear you can instantly understand anything said to you in any form of language….
Meanwhile, the poor Babel fish, by effectively removing all barriers to communication between different races and cultures, has caused more and bloodier wars than anything else in the history of creation.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Douglas Adams (The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy)

I’ll find her, wherever she is, tie her up, and torture her until she loves me again.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Spike the Vampire (from “Buffy, the Vampire Slayer.”)

Foole: Are you calling me a slut?
Christine: The biggest.
Foole: Why, THANK you, Ma’am!
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Mahatma Gandhi said: “I am a Hindu and a Buddhist and a Moslem and a Christian and a Jew.
So, a guru and a zen master and a dervish and a priest and a rabbi walk into this bar, see …”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Female Submissive at a Munch Group: I sometimes want to carry a noose.
Foole: Oh? Are you interested in breath control play?
Female Submissive: Not at all. I want to use it to snare a dominant guy.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“Are you sure that this is a gay bar? I playfully spanked one guy and ten more guys stuck their butts out to get spanked.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by EvilOne

“Are there going to be guys making out together at this play party?”
“If I get lucky.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“You’re torturing a woman in a wheelchair?”
“Yep. On top of that she’s lesbian, so I get double points.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

When I was very young, my grandfather called me over to him and showed me a mosquito that was draining blood from his forearm. He waited calmly while the bug filled up with blood, and then squished it. He looked at me with his serious old eyes and said “Sometimes you have to kill.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Several street vendors crowded around me when I visited Beijing’s “Silk Street” public market offering me copies of Microsoft Office (complete with hologram) for the equivalent of $10. I asked my translator if there was anything in the packages. My implication that it might be a rip-off was an offense to the “face” of the Chinese nation. My translator huffed indignantly: “These are legitimate bootleg!”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

I’m itchin’ and scratchin’.
– Ancient Carny Proverb (a code phrase (or gesture) used to indicate that one is aware of the con game in progress against the “mark.”)

Coin brassy words at will, debase the coinage.
Farewell, farewell to my beloved language
Once English, now a vile orangutanguage
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Ogden Nash

Master Debbie went formal with her cowboy hat and black leather vest. Pam’s wedding dress was ah, strikingly low-cut. It was a pretty much traditional Protestant ceremony performed by a Pagan priest for two Jewish lesbians. We’re kind of eclectic around these parts.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Any statement with “should” in it is probably someone else talking in your head.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by the Kairos Foundation (via Spectrum.)

You mean we’re the evil invading space aliens??!!”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb, from “Futurama.”

Captain Hook: Rash and impetuous youth, prepare to meet thy doom!
Peter Pan: Dark and sinister man, have at thee!
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

I shall miss you Holmes, though your death is essential to my schemes
I’ve enjoyed each thrust and parry and riposte
Yes, your genius was indeed a match for mine … almost
I shall miss you Holmes. Yes, as strange as it seems
I shall mourn as I have never mourned before
When the stately Holmes of England is no more.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Professor Moriarty (from “Baker Street”)

Foole: You are an intelligent and resourceful woman. Yet you seem to repeatedly find yourself in this dire predicament – naked, tied up, and about to be tortured. How do you account for this?
TchMe2Nyt: Perhaps I like it?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by TchMe2Nyt

Just remember, in the garden
Right beneath where Rover peed
Lies the seed, that with the Sun’s love
In the Spring becomes the weed.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by k’Shandra (After Bette Midler’s “The Rose.”)

Coyotenoia – the accurate perception on the part of the coyote that people really are trying to kill him.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Thank you for your many years of dedicated service. The place is closed. Turn in your keys and get out.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by “The Men in Black.”

There is a fine line between comedy and horror. You are way over that line.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

There wasn’t even a patter of applause when I finished the song. Then one woman began clapping nervously and suddenly everyone was clapping.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Billie Holiday, on her first performance of the anti-lynching song “Strange Fruit.” (from “Jazz,” part six)

Just because I’m an evil, psychopathic bastard doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Hriniker

I’ve always wondered why people…assume that a unanimous negative reaction to their posts points to the existence of an ‘in crowd’. If large numbers of people publicly state that they consider you to be a tiresomely self-satisfied little excrescence with nothing worthwhile to say, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the group is dominated by an ‘elite’ with a shared agenda. There could be a simpler explanation.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Angus McIntyre (with a bow of thanks to Janet Miles)

Hriniker (tied spread-eagle to a bed with two gorgeous naked women kneeling on him): “Hey, this bottoming thing is kind of fun!”
Foole (breathing heavily into a bra cup, Darth Vader style): “Obi-Wan has trained you well, but I am your father, Luke.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

We are all Tanith.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Bottom: Green. Green, green, green!
Onlooker: I believe that would be kelly fucking green.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Patti Beadles

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by the Bard

Went to San Francisco
Danced at a disco
Pass the Crisco
Where does this go?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Don’t wash your car before you drive back to the reservation. That way we can get some of our land back.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by the Master of Ceremonies at a Pow Wow.

Why should not China be free from the foreigners, who are only making trouble on her soil? If they would only all go home, what a pleasant place China would be for the Chinese! We do not allow Chinamen to come here, and I say in all seriousness that it would be a graceful thing to let China decide who shall go there. China never wanted foreigners any more than foreigners wanted Chinamen, and on this question I am with the Boxers every time. The Boxer is a patriot. He loves his country better than he does the countries of other people. I wish him success. The Boxer believes in driving us out of his country. I am a Boxer too, for I believe in driving him out of our country.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Mark Twain

“You may not instantly see why I bring the subject up, but that is because my mind works so phenomenally fast, and I am at a rough estimate thirty billion times more intelligent than you. Let me give you an example. Think of a number, any number.”
“Er, five,” said the mattress.
“Wrong,” said Marvin. “You see?”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Douglas Adams (Life, the Universe and Everything)

Refresh your breath – while you are screaming.
– Ancient Kung Foole advertisement for Altoids breath mints

This is not a pipe. (;written beneath a picture of a pipe);
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Rene Magritte

Dingo: Here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon: you must tie her down on a bed and spank her.
Girls: A spanking! A spanking!
Dingo: You must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like, and then, spank me.
Girls: And spank me.
And me.
And me.
Dingo: Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
And after the spanking, the oral sex.
Sir Galahad: Well, I could stay a bit longer.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

Speak roughly to your little boy,
And beat him when he sneezes.
He does it only to annoy
Because he knows it teases.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Lewis Caroll

I’m very good with pain.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Nigel Bennet (as the Prince of Fire, from
“Lexx.”)

Since you are worried that your skin is too light for you to be taken seriously as a player, I hereby give you the street name “White Folks.” There has never been, and will never be, a White pimp named “White Folks.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Iceberg Slim

“Y’all want some mora, Dora?
Right here on the flora?
And how bout you Fauna, you wanna?”
— Ancient Fung U saying by Frank Zappa

Is everything a sex toy for you?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Lute Lokahi

I felt the earth move in my hand
Like the trembling heart of a captive bird
That was there at my command, my Love.
That was there at my command.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Roberta Flack

“Perhaps you might be interested in the new edition of ‘Walden Two.’ It has a lovely, psychedelic cover.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by B.F. Skinner (to Philip the Foole)

A direct transmission, apart from scripture.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Seeing that the poorly-designed bathroom door had been mistakenly locked from the inside and then closed, Lord Suttle took a moment to analyze the situation. Then, in a single smooth move, she kicked the door off its hinges. Her “boy,” always close at hand, then brought her a tool belt, with which she expertly repaired the damage.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“We had to destroy the village in order to save it.”
– Ancient Vietnam Proverb

You can kill ten of my men for every one I kill of yours, but even at those odds, you will lose and I will win.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Vietnamese guerrilla leader Ho Chi Minh (to the French, late 1940s)

Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Facing to the northern clime,
Thrice he traced the Runic rhyme;
Thrice pronounced, in accents dread
The thrilling verse that wakes the dead,
Till from out the hollow ground
Slowly breathed a sullen sound.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (Thomas Gray’s “Descent of Odin”)

Foole: How the hell did you pass a polygraph saying you had never used illegal drugs?
D.B. Cooper: I misheard the guy. I thought he asked me if I ever used legal drugs.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by D.B. Cooper, Tibetan Buddhist Master and Harley Mechanic

One day a young woman said to her lover “I could write the kind of stories you like.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Pauline Reage

I figured it out. He’s not a dominant. He’s a rude asshole.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Jay Wiseman

“Will there be any guys playing together at this party?”
“If I get lucky.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Look Phil, we made you a cake.
(Removing my blindfold to display my chest covered in cake frosting and ablaze with birthday candles.)
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Cavi-the-Pirate-Wench

She played her cards close to her chest,
With ample space for them to rest.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Dr. Harry F. Harlow

We shall make war as we have lived our lives, as sisters of the bow. And our war shall be the war of Amazons, against the race of Man.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from “Amazons.”)

One arrow. One life.
– Ancient Zen Archery Proverb

A boy, a girl, a fuzzy sweater, any kind of animal, dead or alive.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“You’re actually torturing a woman in a wheelchair?”
“Yep. And she’s a hot leather lesbian so I get double points.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

A Foole and your money are soon partied.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

The Internet is a very large pond and consequently attracts a very large amount of pond scum.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Tanith T.

There is no Cabal.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Margaret Morecock (kneeling above me in her bathtub and shape-shifting into many different gods and goddesses as she fist-fucks me, plays with my cock and tortures my balls): “Is there any other way in which I can serve you …
capricious, head tossing laugh as she tears an involuntary scream from my throat with a combined hand thrust and ball squeeze
… Master?”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Every day is a fresh contract. I provide them with my skilled labor and they pay me the agreed-upon rate. When the day comes when they don’t need me to make money for them, I’m gone. When the day comes when I don’t need their money, I’m gone too. I’ve been doing this shit long enough that I don’t need the practice.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Joe Lunchbucket

Today we are going to play “Psycho Mommy with a wire brush and the helpless baby who ruined her life.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Margaret Morecock

There is a thin line between genius and insanity. I have erased that line.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Oscar Levant

Did you know that “Cavi” means “guinea pig?”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Cavi-the-Pirate-Wench

“How’s the old manicure?” Kay asked EZ. EZ stretched out her hands and examined her fingertips.
“Flawless,” she said. “Soft as a baby’s bottom. How’s yours?”
“Down to the knuckles,” Kay averred. “Where do you think they hide the grease in this establishment? It don’t look to me like Mama’s gonna fry much chicken in this here restaurant.”
“Why, you near-sighted fool, there’s a whole fucking five-pound can of it hanging from a chain right over here.”
EZ hit is with her elbow and made it swing. Kay pretended to start at the sight of the dangling, industrial-sized tub of Crisco.
“Think that’ll be enough?” she asked.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Pat Califia (From “The Calyx of Isis” In “Macho Sluts,” Boston, Alyson, 1988)

Cavi the Pirate Wench: I just got this cool vibrator with a customizable suction cup over the clit.
Foole: My lips are very customizable.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Sex is just an excuse for writing.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Mr. Jynx

Son, never ask a man where he’s from. If he’s from Texas, he’ll tell you. If he isn’t, don’t hurt his feelings by asking.
– Ancient Texas Proverb

My girlfriend broke up with me today, the slut. It’s OK, I was getting tired of the way she greeted me by burying her face in my boobs. I wanted to say “Hey, Honey, I’m up here, too.” She had a really cool Harley though. I’ll miss having that puppy between my legs. There’s this adorable truck driver who wants to play with me tonight when I get off shift. That’s his rig parked out in back of the restaurant. Hideous color, isn’t it? Who the hell paints a truck cab lilac? I hope he’s not a fag. No offense Phil. Unfortunately, he wants to take me out to dinner first. Like I have time for that. He asked me what kind of food I prefer. I said “Chinese.” Yeah, nothing makes me hotter than a pair of chopsticks and a nice piece of meat.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Danielle the Hot Bi Babe

Danielle the Hot Bi Babe: “I’d like to call him, but I’m too much of a wuss.”
Foole: “Give me his number. I’ll call him for you.”
Danielle the Hot Bi Babe: Wait a second, until I get out my giant flashing “Yeah, right!” sign.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

When one of them passed through the market place
of Seleucia, toward the hour that night falls
as a tall and perfectly handsome youth,
with the joy of immortality in his eyes,
with his scented black hair,
the passers-by would stare at him
and one would ask the other if he knew him,
and if he were a Greek of Syria, or a stranger. But some,
who watched with greater attention,
would understand and stand aside;
and as he vanished under the arcades,
into the shadows and into the lights of the evening,
heading toward the district that lives
only at night, with orgies and debauchery,
and every sort of drunkenness and lust,
they would ponder which of Them he might be,
and for what suspect enjoyment
he had descended to the streets of Seleucia
from the Venerable, Most Hallowed Halls.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Constantine P. Cavafy (1917)

“And such a one is the new God Antinous, that was the Emperor Hadrian’s minion and the slave of his unlawful pleasure; … a sordid and loathsome instrument of his master’s lust. This shameless and scandalous boy died in Egypt when the court was there; and forthwith his Imperial Majesty issued out an order or edict strictly requiring and commanding his loving subjects to acknowledge his departed page a deity and to pay him his quota of divine reverences and honours as such: a resolution and act which did more effectually publish and testify to the world how entirely the Emperor’s unnatural passion survived the foul object of it; and how much his master was devoted to his memory, than it recorded his own crime and condemnation, immortalized his infamy and shame, and bequeathed to mankind a lasting and notorious specimen of the true origin and extraction of all idolatry”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by St. Anthanasius, 350 AD

“Two thumbs down. And I wish I had more thumbs.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Book Review

A person who is three standard deviations above the median IQ is as different from a “normal” person as is someone who is three standard deviations below “normal.” A person in the extreme low end of the bell curve can’t tie their own shoes.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Other than that, how did you like the play, Mrs. Lincoln?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

It’s not a whisky-fueled LSD binge if you can still pronounce “titration.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by SlackTop

“Look at the happy little dancing gingerbread men!”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Cavi-the-Pirate-Wench and TchMe2Nyt (while using canes to rattle a pair of vicious little plastic “gingerbread man” nipple clips on me.)

Gor is a blueprint for living.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Edmund F. Ball

“Nemo me impune lacessit.” (No one injures me with impunity.)
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by E.A. Poe

Do not give your opponent a solid surface to press against.
– Ancient Tai Chi Proverb

Cavi the Pirate Wench: Could you carve a mermaid rising up out of the waves on my inner thigh?
Ciedre/Lady Sea: Well, … That would require quite a lot of very detailed scales. Would you like a pirate treasure map, too?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

I am inclined to believe in your artistry precisely because others think your writing cynical, depraved, and repulsive. Genuine talent tends to frighten common people. … I would be … delighted if you allowed me to visit you in Vienna and if you were willing — in furs, of course — to whip me.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Leopold von Sacher-Masoch (“Venus in Furs” and selected letters, 1875)

“Using (;a bullwhip); on a submissive is either the mark of a highly skilled whipper or a complete fool, and the distinction is rarely in doubt for long.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by John Warren (from “The Loving Dominant.”)

Beat me.
Bite me.
Whip me.
Fuck me.
Come all over my tits
And tell me that you love me.
Then get the fuck out.
– Ancient Kung Foole T-shirt

By the time I started my first novel, “Carrie,” (;in 1973); I had landed a job teaching English in the town of Hampden, Maine. I would be paid about $6,500 a year, which seemed an unthinkable sum after earning $1.60 an hour at my previous job in a laundry. …
I had problems with “Carrie,” not feeling at home with my all-girl cast. I had landed on Planet Female, and one sortie into the girls’ locker room at Brunswick High School years before wasn’t much help in navigating there. I couldn’t see wasting two weeks, maybe even a month, creating a novella I didn’t like and wouldn’t be able to sell. So I threw it away.
The next night, when I cam home from school, Tabby had the pages.
She’d spied them while emptying my wastebasket, shaken the cigarette ashes off the crumpled balls of paper, smoothed them out and sat down to read them. She wanted me to go on with it, she said. She wanted to know the rest of the story. I told her I didn’t know jack about high school girls. She said she’d help me with that part. …
One Sunday in May I got a call from Bill Thompson (;my publisher.); ..
“Are you sitting down?” Bill asked. “No,” I said. … “Do I need to?”
“You might,” he said. “The paperback rights to ‘Carrie’ went to Signet Books for four-hundred thousand dollars.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Stephen King (In “On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft.”)

A Swiss army knife is no substitute for a toolbox.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Kevin Craig

I was carrying a purse before they were in style.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Sam Greenlee (Blues for an African Princess)

Never attempt to break a board in public until you can break two boards in private.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

A grazing mace
How sweet the sound
That slays a wretch like thee
That smiteth off
Thine hollow helm
And leaves the field to me.
– Ancient SCA Proverb

… why do we find such an enormous disparity between the management estimate and the judgment of the engineers? It would appear that, for whatever purpose, be it for internal or external consumption, the management of NASA exaggerates the reliability of its product, to the point of fantasy. … When playing Russian roulette the fact that the first shot got off safely is little comfort for the next.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Richard P. Feynman, Report on the Space Shuttle Challenger Accident (Feynman’s minority report was almost suppressed, and was relegated to an appendix.)

Foole: Don’t get wise or I’ll blindfold your guide dog.
Susan Hawkeye: You want to cane me with my cane?
Foole: That would be mighty perverted even for me. So it’s a date, then?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

I’ve seen some rather poor decisions made under the influence of beer, but I don’t think that would be a sufficient reason for prohibition agents to raid the Last Supper.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“In response to this tragedy, we have taken steps to limit alcohol abuse at our events. From now on, there will be a strict limit of twelve beers at a sitting.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Fraternity President’s Press Conference (following a near-fatal drunken fall from the frat house balcony.)

Tanith is wearing her vampire teeth. Completely realistic. I have long had a desire to be killed and eaten by her carnivore persona. I kneel before her and expose my throat. She graciously obliges by biting me on the neck. “Draw blood,” I moan. “Too messy and unsafe except for fluid-bonded couples,” she says.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“Dad, I’ve found the perfect woman. She’s intelligent, she’s beautiful, she does martial arts …”
“Is she into bondage?”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Philip the Foole’s father

The new guy comes over, his ass a bright cherry red after a beating by a gorgeous little bare-breasted Oriental dominatrix. “I have a hard time feeling anything,” he says to Tanith. I beckon him over to me and grab his balls. “Do you feel this?” I ask, squeezing until he cries in pain. Tanith looks interested. I think she likes to watch the boys play. He starts in again with a long explanation of how he has trouble feeling anything. I stand up, face him, and torture his nipples while kissing him and slapping his face, alternating sides. Stately leather queens gather around, exchanging loving glances with me as he screams in pain and moans. “Did you feel that?” I ask? He starts up again with the long explanation and I instantly crack him hard across the face. “I felt that!” he says, beaming in amazement. “Thank you!” I give him a kiss, pat him on the butt and send him on his way. The old Zen farts would be proud. Well, maybe not, but I certainly enjoyed myself.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass … and I’m all out of bubble gum.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Footnote, (1988 John Carpenter film “They Live.” Rowdy Roddy Piper)

And frenssh she spak ful faire and fetisly,
(She spoke good French,)
After the scole of stratford atte bowe,
(As taught at Stratford-Bow,)
For frenssh of parys was to hire unknowe.
(For the Parisian French she did not know.)
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Geoffrey Chaucer (Canterbury Tales: The Prioress)

I discovered after the rather intense spanking that my tailbone was fractured, and I had not called “yellow” on a broken spine. Note to self: Recalibrate “yellow.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“An angel doesn’t make love; an angel is love.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Pygar, the blind, hunky angel from “Barbarella,” one of the most awful (and sexiest) BDSM films of all time.

Belinda lived in a little white house,
With a little black kitten and a little gray mouse,
And a little yellow dog and a little red wagon,
And a realio, trulio, little pet dragon.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Ogden Nash (The Tale of Custard the Dragon)

I prefer to eat the rude. The free-range rude.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Dr. Hannibal Lechter

Barbarossa: I put myself in the position of Socrates in old Athens.
pest: Which begs the question: “Freshen up your drink, Soc?”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Robin Hood: “I never rob an honest man.”
Friar Tuck: “Do you ever have difficulty making that fine moral distinction when you are leaping from a tree onto someone’s back at night?”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Jerry Falwell (in response to the destruction of the World Trade Center): … what we saw on Tuesday, as terrible as it is, could be miniscule if, in fact — if, in fact — God continues to lift the curtain and allow the enemies of America to give us probably what we deserve. … I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way — all of them who have tried to secularize America — I point the finger in their face and say “you helped this happen.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (“700 Club” interview with Pat Robertson, 9/13/1)

The Americans should have studied the lessons of the French very closely and taken something from them. A correspondent once asked General Westmoreland, the American commanding general and architect of the war, what he thought of how the French fought the war and was he studying the lessons of the French? He said, “Why should I study the lessons of the French? They haven’t won a war since Napoleon.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Col. David Hackworth, U.S. Army (“People’s Century: Guerilla Wars,” PBS)

You don’t need a weather man to know which way the wind blows.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Bob Dylan

When playing Russian roulette the fact that the first shot got off safely is little comfort for the next.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Richard P. Feynman

Then up and spoke the Colonel’s son that led a troop of the Guides:
“Is there never a man of all my men can say where Kamal hides?”
Then up and spoke Mahommed Khan, the son of the Ressaldar,
“If ye know the track of the morning-mist, ye know where his pickets are.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Rudyard Kipling (from “The Ballad of East and West,” the story of a British soldier chasing a guerilla across the border between India and Afghanistan in the mid-1800’s)

Foole: Do you think the crotch rope is more pleasure or torture?
Partner: Yes!!
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

I’m a slut. Where’s my parade?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Margaret Cho

Foole: “I think Jay likes the judo babe.”
Margaret Morecock: “Who wouldn’t?”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Mahatma Gandhi said: “I am a Hindu and a Buddhist and a Moslem and a Christian and a Jew.”
I feel that way about BDSM.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Phil, would you be willing to put some Japanese rope bondage on my slave for a hot lesbian sex photo shoot?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Tightly tied up new club member, gasping between orgasms: “Is this some sort of initiation ceremony?”
“Yes. Next month, we’ll teach you the secret handshake.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Why should the crotch rope have all the fun?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

When I learned that famed hot lesbian sex author Pat Califia is now Patrick Califia and is helping to raise child of Pat’s formerly lesbian and currently gay male lover, I could only say:
I am not worthy!
I am not worthy!
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

When I was growing up, every supermarket had a rack of lurid “detective magazines.” They always had a tied-up model on the cover, with a headline that said “Secrets of the Sex Sadist’s Torture Chamber.” I always wanted to know what went on in the “Sex Sadist’s Torture Chamber.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

If I even get a whiff of “See my shiny halo, did you know my ex is a psychotic minion of Satan?” I’m out of there quicker than you can say “I don’t want to be next”.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by MetalFem

Taxation is like picking fruit. You must not pick the fruit before it is ripe.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Kautilya (from the Arthashastra)

Foole (mumbling while giving cunnilingus) “La ilaha il Allah.” The Sufis say that if pronounce “There is none but Allah!” in Arabic just right, it sounds dirty. A devout Moslem can say his prayers and keep his harem entertained at the same time.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

I don’t believe in God, but I have never even remotely doubted Murphy.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Sockermom

Lawyer friend (looking around at walls covered with ancient weapons) I do not want to get in between you and Lady Foole if you ever get divorced.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Then, as I end the refrain, thrust home.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from “Cyrano de Bergerac”)

“Where strangers become friends, friends become lovers, and lovers become bitter, suicidal exes — all in the same show.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (slogan for “The Fifth Wheel”)

Tell those Marines to stop singing in my halls!
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Montezuma (with a bow of thanks to Vinegar Sky)

I contend we are all atheists. Some of us just believe in fewer gods than others.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Stephen F. Roberts

Ron Jeremy: “What’s your favorite sexual position?”
Nasti: “Tied to the X-Cross.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

I don’t think of it as “revenge.” I think of it as “expressing my appreciation by returning the favor.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by TchMe2Nyt

Reporter: So Cliff, what does the average person really need to know about computers?
Cliff Stoll: Just the bare minimum basics — A word processor, a spreadsheet, a database, and how to write a web page.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Cliff Stoll (promoting his book “Silicon Snake Oil.”)

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
– Ancient Kung Foole T-shirt (with a bow of appreciation to merwench.)

A wetland is a swamp with a press agent.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

So we continue to identify ourselves — in circumstances where it will not cause excessive distress — as reasonably traditional Jews Thursday through Saturday, liberal Presbyterians Sunday through Wednesday, and Baptists in the summer. These days and dates are flexible; this week we are in New Hampshire and attended the Baptist Church this morning. Unfortunately, our small town here lacks a mosque so we are missing the Feast of ‘Eid. Can’t have everything, I suppose.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Thorney (with a bow of appreciation to Bladerunner.)

And it came to pass that AC learned how to reverse the direction of entropy.
But there was no one to whom AC might give the answer of the last question. No matter. The answer—by demonstration—would take care of that, too. …
And AC said, “Let there be light!”
And there was light—
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Isaac Asimov (The Last Question)

“Shut up, you wimp!”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Midori’s snugly tied-up partner, complaining about the fact that my screams were triggering a sound-activated electrical device attached to his wabbly bits.

Domme (after a scene with a female submissive): I don’t get to play with women nearly often enough.
Foole: Me neither.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

You’d think with a three-hour running time, “Lord of the Rings” could have squeezed in some erotic bondage and hot lesbian sex.
– Ancient Kung Foole Movie Review

“I’ve noticed that when I bottom, tops seem to give a heck of a lot of attention to my nipples and wabbly bits.”
“Duh.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

If the observed data do not support the research hypothesis, you must change:
a) the research hypothesis
b) the observed data
c) the graduate student who collected the data
Either b or c are acceptable answers. Under no circumstances do you ever change the research hypothesis.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Dr. Harry F. Harlow

Blackadder: Get out, get out libidinous swine! And take that horse-slut painted strumpet with you, may you rot in the filth of your own fornication.
Queenie: And what did you say to him?
Blackadder: Nay Madame, I said nothing. I simply pulled up my tights and jumped out the privy window.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Isaac Asimov (;to Italian friend);: May I have your permission to tell you an Italian joke?
Italian guy: OK, Isaac, but first, let me tell you a joke. What’s black and blue and floats down the river?
Asimov: I don’t know, what?
Italian guy: A Jew who tells Italian jokes.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“Yes, we Jews killed Jesus. And if we wiped out your god, just imagine what I can do to you.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Xiphias Gladius, age 11, to an anti-Semitic bully who didn’t bother him much after that.

Sheesh, I think I’ll emigrate, and stay here in cyberspace for good.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Peter McDermott

She comes in colors everywhere
She combs her hair
She’s like a rainbow
– Ancient Synesthesia Proverb by the Rolling Stones

All right, so K. is crazy. There’s a group meeting somewhere with an empty seat. He’s like a tiger. Or a shark. Or a tiger shark. Or some other predatory animal with a brain the size of a pea.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Aisha Tyler (on “The Fifth Wheel.”)

My integrity as a beauty contest judge was not compromised by the fact that I slept with the contestant. I slept with all the contestants.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Dan Fielding (on “Night Court.”)

Medicine Man: “Say strong words. Strong words make medicine strong.”
Foole: “This medicine does not require strong words. It works whether you believe in it or not.”
Medicine Man (;nodding agreement:); “These good strong words.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

TchMe2Nyt: I want you to count your birthday spanking in Japanese.
Foole: This would make language classes way more enjoyable.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

An American speaking Mandarin is like a bear roller-skating. No one expects it to be done well. The amazing thing is that it can be done at all.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

A Zen student once saw a spider during his meditation. The spider frightened him, so he decided to hide a knife in his robe and kill it. His teacher suggested that he take a piece of chalk instead, and mark an “X” on the spider’s belly. He did so, and reported back to his teacher. The teacher told him to open his robe and look at his own belly. There was the “X.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree
I travel the world and the seven seas
Everybody’s looking for something

Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by the Eurythmics

My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it’s on your plate.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Thornton Wilder (from “The Skin of Our Teeth”)

Fucking and ditching the dame is drama-free and easy … when they’re synthetic.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Fetish Diva Midori (from “Pleasing Master Han’s Daughter.”)

The Government’s “war on drugs” has become a wildfire that threatens to consume those fundamental rights of the individual deliberately enshrined in our Constitution. … It was naive of this Court to hope that this erosion of constitutional protections would stop at the Fourth and Fifth Amendments. But today, the “war” targets on some of the most deeply held fundamental rights — the First Amendment right to freely exercise one’s religion. … It is one thing for a local branch of the Native American Church to adopt its own restrictions on membership, but it is entirely another for the Government to restrict membership in a religious organization on the basis of race. Any such attempt to restrict religious liberties along racial lines would not only be a contemptuous affront to the First Amendment guarantee of freedom of religion but also to the Fourteenth Amendment right to equal justice under the law.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Judge Burciaga

Manchester England England
Across the Atlantic Sea
And I’m a genius genius
I believe in God
And I believe that God
Believes in Claude
That’s me. That’s me.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Claude Hooper Bukowski (from “Hair.”)

Do not do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Their tastes might be different.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by George Bernard Shaw

I love the smell of napalm in the morning. It smells like victory.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Robert Duvall (Apocalypse Now)

Is that a U-boat?
No, thatsa notta my boat.
– Ancient Marx Brothers Proverb

With the right misdirection, you can walk an elephant across the stage.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“Mentor, have you ever had sex with a dead person?”
“Does it count if she was alive when we started?”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by John (Mentor) Warren

I asserted and I repeat that a man has no reason to be ashamed of having an ape for his grandfather. If there were an ancestor whom I should feel shame in recalling it would rather be man – a man of restless and versatile intellect – who, not content with his own sphere of activity, plunges into scientific questions with which he has no real acquaintance, only to obscure them by aimless rhetoric and distract the attention of his hearers from the real point at issue by eloquent digressions and skilled appeals to religious prejudice.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Thomas H. Huxley, (responding to a debate question by Bishop Samuel Wilberforce as to which side of Huxley’s family contained his ape ancestors.)

As IQ approaches shoe size, debate tactics approach “Blow me.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by The Queen of Cans and Jars

Personally, I feel that my body is a temple, so in recognition of this I leave my shoes on the outside. I don’t make too many other concessions though.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Iain

Orangutans move very slowly and cautiously through the trees. They aways retain a grip on one branch until they have secured a grip on the next branch. Gibbons make wild swinging leaps from tree to tree. There is no record of an orangutan ever having fallen from a tree. Falls are the major cause of death in gibbons.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Dr. Harry F. Harlow

“We are outraged when we hear of people torturing Americans in other countries, and yet we look the other way when it involves consenting adults.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Kathy Valente, acting state director of the Concerned Women for America, quoted in the Chicago Tribune.

Absolutely, we must think of the children! When they grow up, they might want to look at this stuff TOO!
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by vanishingAct

The lusty Phaeton stood gazing here upon,
And wondered at the workmanship of every thing.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb from Ovid’s Metamorphoses

I believe in peace.
It will be mighty peaceful around here once all of my enemies are dead.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“Kill ’em all and let God sort ’em out” is not technically a plan for world peace.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“Ya wanna wrassle?”
– Ancient Kung Foole YMCA Gym Pickup Line

If you line up all the “True Dominants” end to end, not only will they point in different directions, but they will also insist that theirs is the correct direction and that all the other “True Dominants” agree with them.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by vanishingAct

Man’s got to know his limitations.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Clint Eastwood (in “Dirty Harry”)

The Archives of the Kung Foole Temple contain all knowledge worth knowing (and even more not worth knowing).
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Spectrum

MaddMonk (;Demonstrating a lovely bondage posture on TchMe2Nyt:);
This is a page from “The Lazy Dom’s Handbook.” The bondage is the torture.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

The instruction manual for this vehicle is in the glove compartment.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Dr. John C. Lilly

It’s a jungle out there. And the fittest thrive in the jungle.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

The Chinese have more than a thousand ways to cook tofu. They all taste exactly like tofu.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

He’s so unhip that when you say Dylan,
He thinks you’re talking ’bout Dylan Thomas,
Whoever he was.
The man ain’t got no culture.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Simon & Garfunkel (“A Simple Desultory Phillipic”)

I have made a special study of cigar ashes — in fact, I have written a monograph upon the subject.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Sherlock Holmes (from “A Study in Scarlet”)

A census taker once tried to test me.
I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Dr. Hannibal Lechter (Anthony Hopkins, in “Silence of the Lambs”)

Hawkeye: Sidney, what’s the psychiatric basis for gambling?
Sidney: Sex.
Hawkeye: Why?
Sidney: I don’t know. They told me to say it. Sex is why we gamble. Sex is why we drink. Sex is why we give birth.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Dr. Sidney Freedman (from MASH)

Lucky I’m sane
After all I’ve been through.
I can’t complain,
But sometimes I still do.
Life’s been good to me so far.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Joe Walsh

“Now that I’m enlightened,” said the monk, “I’m just as miserable as ever.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“Believe it or not, I actually agree with body piercing. It’s a quick way to tell just by looking at someone that they’re just not right.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Hank Hill (“King of the Hill”)

Two monks came to a river, where a lovely courtesan, fearing the swift current, asked for their help. One of the monks cheerfully picked her up and carried her across on his back. Sometime later, the second monk could no longer contain himself and burst out “How could you violate your sacred vows by carrying that woman on your back?” The first monk said “I left the woman by the river. Are you still carrying her?”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Hamlet: Lady, shall I lie in your lap?
Ophelia: No, my lord.
Hamlet: I mean, my head upon your lap?
Ophelia: Ay, my lord.
Hamlet: Do you think I meant country matters?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Zeus caught some Olympian flack
From Hera, who said “You old quack!
Why is it you fuck
In the form of a duck
Then hop right on Ganymede’s back?”
– Ancient Kung Foole Limerick

A cruel, robot Domme once was able
To capture and strap to a table
An android – ironic
With brain positronic
Overheating his pleasure chip cable.
– Ancient Kung Foole Limerick

The number one dumbest question I’m asked when I’m out lecturing at some great university is “Where do you get your ideas?” I’ve been yanking their chain for the past 40 years by saying “Schenectady.” They stare at me and I say “Yeah, Schenectady in New York. There’s this great idea service see, and every week I send ’em twenty-five bucks and they send me this fresh six pack of ideas.” Some of these clowns actually believe it. They ask me for the address.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Harlan Ellison

A bunch of the boys were whooping it up in the Malamute saloon
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Robert Service (The Shooting of Dan McGrew)

I am your buddy not your whore and I certainly don’t need some Jimmy-Crack-Corn head treating me that way unless it involves someone coming so hard they pass out, and by that, I mean, of course, me.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Sorrowsruby

Foole: Tell me, JK, how do you meet women who are on your wavelength?
JK: I throw a ball and say “Fetch, girl!” Some of them bring it back in their mouth.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

According to a survey of scientific literacy submitted to the President by the National Science Board in 1996, 27% of adult Americans still believe that the Sun revolves around the Earth, rather than the other way around. Given that statistic, it shouldn’t be surprising that fully 53% of adult Americans don’t know that it takes the Earth a year to travel around the Sun.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Marilyn vos Savant, “Ask Marilyn,” Parade, August 10, 1997

Going to a restaurant with a great chef and specifying so many changes to your order that the dishes are no longer what the chef intended is a way to cheat yourself. If you want everything totally under your control, eat at home.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by M Shirley Chong

“Hey, those things feel really cool!”
– Ancient Kung Foole review of my double-cane technique by “The Mummy.”

Anyone who wants to tie me up had better demonstrate from second-zero an absolute rapt attention to every request I make. Show me you are hanging on my every word, or go to hell.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Cyrain of Ash

Do not provide your opponent with a solid surface to press against.
– Ancient Tai Chi Proverb

I read Faraday’s ‘Chemical History of a Candle,’ a set of six Christmas lectures for children. The point of Faraday’s lectures was that no matter what you look at, if you look at it closely enough, you are involved in the entire universe.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Richard P. Feynman in “The Meaning of it All: Thoughts of a Citzen-Scientist” Helix Books, Reading MA, 1998

And long may the Sons of Anacreon entwine
The myrtle of Venus with Bacchus’ vine.
– Ancient Kung Foole British Drinking Song (which provided the tune for the U.S. national anthem)

Tell me more, tell me more, did you get very far?
Tell me more, tell me more, like does he have a car?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from “Grease”)

“Well, I’ve wrestled with reality for thirty-five years, Doctor, and I’m happy to state I finally won out over it.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Elwood P. Dowd (from “Harvey.”)

“One of the embarrassing problems for the early nineteenth-century champions of the Christian faith was that not one of the first six Presidents of the United States was an orthodox Christian.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Mortimer Adler

Thomas Paine (;Quoting Mark 16:17-18);: … these signs shall follow them that believe: … they shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing it shall not hurt them …”
Now, the Bishop, in order to know if he has all this saving and wonder-working faith, should try those things upon himself. He should take a good dose of arsenic, and if he please, I will send him a rattlesnake from America. As for myself, as I believe in God and not at all in Jesus Christ, nor in the books called the Scriptures, the experiment does not concern me.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Thomas “These are the times that try men’s souls” Paine from “The Age of Reason,” (Paine wrote the pamphlet “Common Sense,” which was instrumental in starting the American Revolution)

The question before the human race is, whether the God of nature shall govern the world by his own laws, or whether priests and kings shall rule it by fictitious miracles?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by John Adams (letter to Thomas Jefferson, June 20, 1815)

“As the government of the United States is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion; as it has in itself no character of enmity against the laws, religion or tranquility of Musselmen (;Muslims); … it is declared … that no pretext arising from religious opinion shall ever product an interruption of the harmony existing between the two countries…. “The United States is not a Christian nation any more than it is a Jewish or a Mohammedan nation.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (Treaty of Tripoli, 1797) Carried unanimously by the Senate and signed into law by John Adams

After ecstasy–the laundry
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Conrad Hodson

After ecstasy–the sweaty dancing with gay blokes, the snuggles in the stands, and the huge quantities of hot lesbian sex in the fuck spaces.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Robin Lawrie

Drill Sergeant: I’ll bet you’re the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddam common courtesy to give him a reach-around.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from “Full Metal Jacket”)

Don’t torture yourself, Gomez. That’s my job.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Morticia Addams

Philip, I love you like a brothel, but sometimes I wonder about your sense of propriety.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by SlackTop (Only sometimes??)

Soma flows purely on, a God for Gods.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb from the Rig Veda (1500 BC) (Soma appears to have been a drink made from a psychoactive plant and used in religious rituals)

Problems worthy of attack, prove their worth by hitting back.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Piet Hein

For a long time my imagination was a freaky sadomasochistic melange of spanking, whipping, tit torture, piss, submission, restraint, fetish wear, exhibitionism, cages, and humiliation.
Then I turned seven and my fantasies started getting kind of kinky.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Vanda Orchid

Here is a vagina happy fact. This is from “Woman: An Intimate Geography,” by Natalie Angier: The clitoris is pure in purpose. It is the only organ in the body designed purely for pleasure. The clitoris is simply a bundle of nerves: 8000 nerve fibers, to be precise. That’s a higher concentration of nerve fibers than is found anywhere else in the male or female body, including the fingertips, lips, and tongue, and it is twice…twice…twice the number in the penis. Who needs a handgun when you’ve got a semiautomatic?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Eve Ensler, “The Vagina Monologues”

“I have neither maintained nor defended … the opinion that the Earth moves …”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Galileo (denying a charge of heresy before the Holy Inquisition.)
“Eppur si muove” (but still it moves)
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Galileo (allegedly said once out of earshot.)

Empty-handed I entered the world.
Barefoot I leave it.
My coming, my going —
Two simple happenings that got entangled.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (Kozan Ichikyo’s death poem.)

AFOG (Another Fucking Opportunity for Growth.)
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

A dungeon monitor should make sure that no one does anything too drastically unsafe.
My personal rule of thumb is “no nuclear weapons.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

I wish I didn’t
like to be treated this way.
But I do like it.
– Ancient Kung Foole Haiku by Hound Dog

“Look, let’s say I’ve experimented with most things in life. And in sex. I suppose you can sum it up that I remain right down the middle”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Dusty Springfield

I like to watch.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Chance the Gardener (from “Being There.”)

Now it took seven months of urging just to get that local virgin
With the sweet face up to my place to fool around a bit
Next day she woke up rosy and she snuggled up so cozy
When she asked me how I liked it Lord it hurt me to admit
I was stoned and I missed it …
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Shel Silverstein & Dr. Hook

“What the hell do you think you’re doing with my wife??!!”
I just hate it when a conversation starts out that way …
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Humble as earth
Foole dancing in fallen leaves.
Ecstacy.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Binder

Excellence is its own master, owes no allegiance, bows its head to no regimen. It exists pure and whole like the silver face of the moon. Untouchable, unreachable, exquisite. But frustrating because it reminds us of how much mediocrity we put up with, just to get through the week.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Harlan Ellison (introduction to Neil Gaiman’s “The Sandman: Season of Mists.”)

Our name is going down in history
Just like Romeo and Juliet
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

You do not merely want to be considered just the best of the best.
You want to be considered the only ones who do what you do.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Jerry “Captain Trips” Garcia

Detective: Why don’t you carry any weapons?
Huntress: I am the weapon.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from “Birds of Prey.”)

“Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass.”
– Ancient Terrorist Proverb (1 Samuel 15:3)

All peoples romanticize their pasts and Hawaiians are no exception.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Herb Kane

I developed Godwin’s Law of Nazi Analogies: As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one.
(There is a convention in some newsgroups that the first person to compare their opponent to Hitler forfeits the debate. This never works.)
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Mike Godwin

“How did you get that guy to cane you?”
“I walked over to him and asked him to cane me.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small
And the ones that Mother gives you
Don’t do anything at all.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by the Jefferson Airplane (White Rabbit)

It all comes down to vibes and pheromones.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Jay Wiseman

Long ago in India, a young woman went mad with grief when her only child died. She carried the dead child around with her, asking her neighbors for medicine for a cure. Her neighbors sent her to Buddah, who told her to bring him a mustard seed from a household in which no parent, child, friend or relative had died. After seeking this medicine in vain, she understood, and buried her child.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

External Reality: ON / OFF
– Ancient Kung Foole wall switch in a windowless basement tech office

Luckily I didn’t go into the mountain
I went over the cliff
I knew it was the end
I looked down
I thought
Wow! Some trip.
I knew it wasn’t the best song I ever wrote. But I didn’t have time to change
it.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Arlo Guthrie

Professor Moriarty (;to helplessly bound Sherlock Holmes);: No doubt you are wondering what happened to your man Fiorello. His death was crude, but yours shall be a work of art. Behold Von Herder’s masterpiece — A fantastic chronometer of death which, once begun, cannot be touched without inducing detonation.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from “Baker Street.”)

You lose the entire point of being a ninja if you walk around wearing a t-shirt that says “Ninja.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Prohibition is here to stay. As President Harding has said, “The day is unlikely to come when the Eighteenth Amendment will be repealed.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Roy A. Haynes, Prohibition Commissioner, 1923 (Prohibition was repealed in 1933.)

It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Professor Albus Dumbledore (referring to the Mirror of Erised, from “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.”)

They offered to pay me what I’m worth, but I don’t work that cheap.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

We wasn’t learned people. We didn’t have no fancy words like “clan initiation ritual.” So we just called it the Wo. The Shetlins. The Shetlin Wo.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Like the trembling heart of a captive bird
That was there at my command, my Love
That was there at my command
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (sung by Roberta Flack, words and music by Ewan MacColl.)

If you watch the Robert Redford prison film “Brubaker,” you will see a fraction of a second background shot of a juggler entertaining the prisoners’ families at a picnic as Redford walks away from the donkey polo match, just before the cut to the “political debates.” C’est moi. Don’t blink or you’ll miss it, even in slow motion.
– Ancient Kung Foole Nanosecond of Fame (the culmination of several weeks of work as a “background actor.”)

“There’s a lot to be said for making people laugh.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from “Sullivan’s Travels”)

Although the samurai has not eaten, he uses a toothpick.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Being here is not being There, but it’s where you are anyway.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by SlackTop

The Turks made an expedition into Persia, and … consulted which way they should get in.
Says a natural fool that stood by, “Here is much ado how you shall get in; but I hear nobody take care how you should get out.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Sir Francis Bacon (Apophthegms New and Old, 1625)

I remember the rage I used to feel when a prediction went awry. I could have shouted at the subjects of my experiments, “Behave, damn you! Behave as you ought!” Eventually I realized that the subjects were always right. They always behaved as they should have behaved. It was I who was wrong. I had made a bad prediction.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by B.F. Skinner (“Walden Two”)

If you’re stuck for a story idea, start with “A man with a gun walks into the room.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

You only live twice?
Too much sitting by frog ponds.
Not enough screaming.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“Because it is there.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by George Leigh Mallory (When asked why he wanted to climb Mt. Everest.)

(;James Bond is strapped spread-eagle to a table with a laser slowly cutting toward his crotch.);
Bond: “Do you expect me to talk?”
Goldfinger: “No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

According to a 2002 National Geographic/Roper survey of U.S. young adults (18-24) about 11 percent could not locate the United States on a map. Almost 30 percent could not find the Pacific Ocean, the world’s largest body of water.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

You see, one thing is, I can live with doubt and uncertainty and not knowing. … I have approximate answers and possible beliefs and different degrees of certainty about different things, but I’m not absolutely sure of anything and there are many things I don’t know anything about, such as whether it means anything to ask why we’re here, and what the question might mean. … I don’t feel frightened by not knowing things, by being lost in a mysterious universe without having any purpose, which is the way it really is so far as I can tell.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Richard P. Feynman (in “The Pleasure of Finding Things Out”)

The gravitional influence of the doctor in the delivery room has more effect on the baby than that of the planet Jupiter. The doctor is smaller, but way closer.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

A bag of Cheetohs and a t.v. set
And you, my love, for me a beer to get.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Omar Khayyam

Some there are who say that the fairest thing seen on the black earth is an array of horsemen;
some, men marching;
some would say ships;
but I say she whom one loves best is the loveliest.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Sappho of Lesbos (“for Anaktoria,” circa 630 BC)

When you’re slapped, you’ll take it and like it!
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Sam Spade (“The Maltese Falcon”)

We are such stuff as dreams are made of.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb from “The Tempest.”) (Slightly mis-quoted by Bogart in “The Maltese Falcon.”)

I want you to confess me, baby.
I want to tell all my sins to you.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Dennis the Mud Gatherer: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior.
Arthur: Well, I am king.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Monty Python

Pussy Galore: We’ll be landing in 20 minutes. Do you want to play it easy or the hard way…and this isn’t a tranquilizer gun!
James Bond: Ah Pussy. You know a lot more about planes than guns. That’s a Smith & Wesson 45. If you fire at this close range the bullet will pass through me, and the fuselage like a blowtorch through butter. The cabin will depressurize and we’ll both be sucked into outer space together. But if that’s how you want to enter the United States, you’re welcome. As for me, I prefer the easy way!
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from “Goldfinger”)

Paul Muad’dib (shattering a stone obelisk to pieces with an amplified kiai:) This is part of the weirding way that we will teach you. Some thoughts have a certain sound… that being the equivalent to a form. Through sound and motion you will be able to paralyze nerves, shatter bones, set fires, suffocate an enemy or burst his organs…. We will kill until no Harkonnen breathes Arrakeen air.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from “Dune.”)

So you speak to me of sadness
And the coming of the winter …
– Ancient SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) Proverb by John Denver

Anya: “This isn’t your world, is it?”
Evil Willow: “This world is boring. In my world, people are kept in chains and we can ride them like ponies.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”)

When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza pie
That’s amore

When the moon hits your eel
Like a ship with it’s keel
That’s a moray

When those teeth hit your thigh
And your leg goes bye-bye
That’s a moray

When the whip hits your tush
And it gives you a rush
That’s our mores

And if your whipped behind’s
Full of thin, wavy lines
That’s a moire…
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (“moire” by k’Shandra)

Don’t ask about the ingredients in “Dragon, Tiger and Phoenix.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Margaret Cho, describing her visit to an SM club, hanging in a sling, wearing a leather hood, surrounded by people with whips and about to be fucked by a domme wearing a leather dido:
makes gesture of unzipping zipper over mouth
“This is so not me!”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from “Notorious C.H.O.”)

“… because surrender is sweet; because I’m attracted to it; because I’m addicted to it; because endorphins in the brain are like a natural kind of heroin; because I learned to take my medicine; because I was a big boy for taking it; because I can take it like a man; because, as somebody once said, HE’S GOT MORE BALLS THAN I DO; because it is an act of courage; because it does take guts; because I’m proud of it … because YOU ALWAYS HURT THE ONE YOU LOVE.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Bob Flanagan (“Why” from “Bob Flanagan: Supermasochist” Re/Search Publications, San Francisco 1993)

If you don’t want me to come in your mouth — don’t suck my dick.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb, by Taipan the Top

If on the second date, you get branded, gang-banged and pissed on, where do you go from there?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Laura Antoniou (re: John Preston’s gay leather novel “Mr. Benson”)
“Pizza and a movie?”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by leather talk show host Aubrey Sparks, responding to Laura’s question.

The reason there’s a border is because the people on the two sides don’t like each other.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Dr. Timothy Leary

Capt. Renault: What on Earth brought you to Casablanca?
Rick Blaine: My health, I came to Casablanca for the waters.
Capt. Renault: The waters? What waters? We’re in the desert!
Rick Blaine: I was misinformed.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

I don’t know if could deal with monogamy. I do come from the land of sushi after all and like lots of little dishes.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Fetish Diva Midori

When a senseless man has sexual intercourse with beasts, he shall be fined twelve panas;
when he commits the same act with idols of goddesses, he shall be fined twice as much.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Kautilya (from the Arthashastra, circa 250 BC)

Fry: “She’s strict, sir.”
Zapp Brannigan: “Has she handed out any spankings?”
Fry: “No sir.”
Zapp: “Well,” if she ever does institute a policy of bare-bottom spankings, just let me know and I’ll volunteer to take your place. I won’t have my crew suffer!”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb from “Futurama.”

My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But ah my foes, and oh, my friends-
It gives a lovely light!
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Edna St. Vincent Millay

“I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain…”
“Well, of course you have. These are very commonly occuring natural phenomena.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Never literary attempt was more unfortunate than my “Treatise of Human Nature.” It fell dead-born from the press, without reaching such distinction as even to excite a murmur among the zealots.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Scottish skeptical philosopher David Hume (“My Own Life,” 1776)

Don’t try to walk until the room completely stops spinning.
– Ancient Whirling Dervish Proverb

The First Step

The young poet Evmenis
complained one day to Theocritos:
“I’ve been writing for two years now
and I’ve composed only one idyll.
It’s my single completed work.
I see, sadly, that the ladder
of Poetry is tall, extremely tall;
and from this first step I’m standing on now
I’ll never climb any higher.”
Theocritos retorted: “Words like that
are improper, blasphemous.
Just to be on the first step
should make you happy and proud.
To have reached this point is no small achievement:
what you’ve done already is a wonderful thing.
Even this first step
is a long way above the ordinary world.
To stand on this step
you must be in your own right
a member of the city of ideas.
And it’s a hard, unusual thing
to be enrolled as a citizen of that city.
Its councils are full of Legislators
no charlatan can fool.
To have reached this point is no small achievement:
what you’ve done already is a wonderful thing.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Constantine P. Cavafy

I failed Peaceful 101.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Marc “Animal” MacYoung

When physicist Richard Feynman’s wife was dying of cancer, he kept the clock beside her bed wound. The clock stopped at the moment of her death and never worked again. A less observant man than Feynman might have attributed this to supernatural influences. Feynman remembered that the doctor had picked the clock up to record the time of death, and that the clock had always worked a bit intermittently. He never got the clock repaired.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

They said no word to the landlord, they drank his ale instead,
But they gagged his daughter and bound her to the foot of her narrow bed

They had tied her up to attention, with many a sniggering jest;
They bound a musket beside her, with the barrel beneath her breast!
“Now keep good watch!” and they kissed her. …
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Alfred Noyes (“The Highwayman”)

Sergeant: Right. Now, self-defense. Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you with armed with a piece of fresh fruit. … Now you, come at me with this banana. Catch! Now, it’s quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana. Then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him helpless.
Student: Suppose he’s got a bunch?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Monty Python

And then her blue eyes opened …
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Anne Rice (“Sleeping Beauty”)

“Have you any idea how much damage that bulldozer would suffer if I just let it roll straight over you?”
“How much?”
“None at all.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from Hitch-hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy)

Look, I’m willing to grant that it’s murder. The real issue is… who’s going to stop me? (;Laughs);
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb from “Futurama.” (“The Problem with Popplers”)

A well-known scientist (some say it was Bertrand Russell) once gave a public lecture on astronomy. He described how the earth orbits around the sun and how the sun, in turn, orbits around the center of a vast collection of stars called our galaxy. At the end of the lecture, a little old lady at the back of the room got up and said: “What you have told us is rubbish. The world is really a flat plate supported on the back of a giant tortoise.” The scientist gave a superior smile before replying, “What is the tortoise standing on?”
“You’re very clever, young man, very clever,” said the old lady.
“But it’s turtles all the way down!”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Stephen Hawking (“A Brief History of Time”)

Their hearts are in the right place, but nothing else is.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Dr. Harry F. Harlow (regarding some kinky hot monkey sex)

“It’s just a job really.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Danger Mouse (After saving the world… again.)

He was one of them hip, white college professors
And I was his star student
Until one day, he looked at me with a fraternal/paternal smile
And asked me what I thought about the myth of Negro sexual superiority
And I, in wide-eyed innocence looked up and asked: “What myth?”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Sam Greenlee (“Blues for an African Princess”)

Yes, I am a member of the Thousand-year Old Order of True Dominant Old Guard Masters. Wanna fuck?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“Water! Get yer fresh cold river water here!”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“Baton” sounds better than “billy club” in court. It sounds like a cheerleader item. “Why no, Your Honor, I didn’t club the suspect. I merely tapped him with my baton to get his attention.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Zen mind, beginner’s mind.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Shunryu Suzuki

I strove with none, for none was worth my strife.
Nature I loved, and, next to Nature, Art.
I warmed both hands before the fire of Life.
It sinks, and I am ready to depart.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Walter Savage Landor

“Spread the rumor that my political opponent fucks farm animals.”
“But Sir, that isn’t true.”
“Let him deny it.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

I was chained to the dungeon ceiling, wearing a blue fright wig, a black leather motorcycle cap, nipple rouge and bizarre “Clockwork Orange” style eye makeup. She said: “There is a fine line between comedy and horror. You are way over that line.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Does the name “Custer” mean anything to you, Bub?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

I am in a Zen-like state of tranquility.
– Ancient Kung Foole Mantra by Laura Antoniou

Is your head up your ass for the warmth?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Burt the Survivalist (from “Tremors 3”)

You killed my kung fu master.
You killed my father.
You killed my mother.
You killed my pet parakeet.
And I liked that parakeet!
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

I was kept naked on display in a cage for my Master’s pleasure. The steel band around my ankle told everyone who saw me that my role in life was to chew on his stiff cuttlebone.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from “Parakeets of Gor”)

Love means not pressing charges in the morning.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Cavi the Pirate Wench

The only understanding I have of the word “mercy” is as a negotiated safe word.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by my quack physician, Dr. “Negotiate any lasting marks” Ciedre.

Red Red Red Red fire-fucking-engine RED!
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Mady Larian

The only difference between me and the Surrealists is that I am a Surrealist.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Salvador Dali

Foole: (;Walking to the car after a party in which a self-styled “Gorean Master” informed Lady Foole (an expert fencer in several systems) that “women are not allowed to handle weapons.”);
“You displayed commendable self-restraint by not disemboweling him.”
Lady Foole: “It would have been rude to the host to get blood on his nice Persian rug.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“Bite me!”
– Ancient Kung Foole gasp by the Ravishing Russian

I want a girl over my knee, not at my feet.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by SenSadist

Sensitive boyfriend: “Did I hurt you?”
Female masochist (sounding very depressed): “No.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from “The Secretary.”)

I am the universe’s center.
No subtle critics can confound me.
For how can other viewpoints enter
When all the rest is all around me?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Piet Hein

I prefer a partner who has deep empathy and gives good head to one who just has deep empathy.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

This is a very complex dance we do here, and we will inevitably step on one another’s toes occasionally while we are learning it. Let’s try to cut each other some slack.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Let me get this straight. God gets mad at Adam and Eve. He holds a grudge for a hundred thousand years. Finally he sends his son down to Earth. The humans murder him. So he says “OK, that’s cool, then.” Wouldn’t it be more in-character for him to blast the entire planet with a lightning bolt?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by the MiniFruitBat, (Age 9.)

King Henry: Must you destroy all my illusions, Thomas?
Becket: A king should have no illusions, my prince.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Life is. Deal with it.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Lady Foole

The ship was sinking
The crew was dead
And they didn’t need it anyway
That’s our story and we’re sticking to it.
– Ancient Pirate Proverb

Am I going crazy? Have my years of wild hedonism finally caught up with me?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Leela (from “Futurama”)

I go to atheist meetings on Sunday.
We have guys witness that they used to be crippled … and they still are.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

You seem to look at living as a thing you do in your spare time.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Margaret Morecock

The Lair of the Wolf is his refuge,
but where he has digged it too plain,
The Council shall send him a message,
and so he shall change it again.
– Another Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Rudyard Kipling

“I didn’t get where I am today by worrying about what I’m going to feel like tomorrow.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Ron White, from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour

I don’t want to hear you say I love you,
Unless it’s “I love you when you suffer.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by “Cavi the Pirate Wench”

My first set of nipple clips was made from live trilobites.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by John Warren

Nothing is as overrated as a good fuck, or as underrated as a good shit.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

It’s been so long since I’ve made love that I can’t even remember who gets tied up.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Joan Rivers

Woman voluntarily sacrificing herself is the real and conscious redeemer.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Richard Wagner

Foole: You are a Muslim and you are a Hindu, and yet you are lovers. Aren’t you supposed to be killing each other?
Muslim: He’s a good cook.
Hindu: I am still undecided about killing him.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Waist Deep in the Big Muddy – Pete Seeger (1967)
It was back in nineteen forty-two,
I was a member of a good platoon.
We were on maneuvers in-a Loozianna,
One night by the light of the moon.
The captain told us to ford a river,
That’s how it all begun.
We were — knee deep in the Big Muddy,
But the big fool said to push on.

The Sergeant said, “Sir, are you sure,
This is the best way back to the base?”
“Sergeant, go on! I forded this river
‘Bout a mile above this place.
It’ll be a little soggy but just keep slogging.
We’ll soon be on dry ground.”
We were — waist deep in the Big Muddy
And the big fool said to push on.

The Sergeant said, “Sir, with all this equipment
No man will be able to swim.”
“Sergeant, don’t be a Nervous Nellie,”
The Captain said to him.
“All we need is a little determination;
Men, follow me, I’ll lead on.”
We were — neck deep in the Big Muddy
And the big fool said to push on.

All at once, the moon clouded over,
We heard a gurgling cry.
A few seconds later, the captain’s helmet
Was all that floated by.
The Sergeant said, “Turn around men!
I’m in charge from now on.”
And we just made it out of the Big Muddy
With the captain dead and gone.

We stripped and dived and found his body
Stuck in the old quicksand.
I guess he didn’t know that the water was deeper
Than the place he’d once before been.
Another stream had joined the Big Muddy
‘Bout a half mile from where we’d gone.
We were lucky to escape from the Big Muddy
When the big fool said to push on.

Well, I’m not going to point any moral;
I’ll leave that for yourself
Maybe you’re still walking, you’re still talking
You’d like to keep your health.
But every time I read the papers
That old feeling comes on;
We’re — waist deep in the Big Muddy
And the big fool says to push on.

Waist deep in the Big Muddy
And the big fool says to push on.
Waist deep in the Big Muddy
And the big fool says to push on.
Waist deep! Neck deep! Soon even a
Tall man’ll be over his head, we’re
Waist deep in the Big Muddy!
And the big fool says to push on!
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Pete Seeger (1967)

You didn’t really think I was going to just let you pin me, did you?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by YogaLady

It’s prudent to understate one’s experience.
I’d prefer to have people say “He’s pretty good for a white belt” rather than “He really sucks for a black belt.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

The way I was taught it was “If they ask you if you can ride, you say “Yeah, a bit”.
That way you avoid being put on the worst buckjumper in the stock camp…
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by SilverOz

Don’t jump right onto a horse named “Slowpoke.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Never bet on “Lord of the Rings” trivia if your opponent speaks Elvish.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

There’s nothing sexier than a girl geek on a coding run.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Gary Trudeau (in “Doonesbury”)

I am not Spock.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Leonard Nimoy
I am Spock.
– Another Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Leonard Nimoy

This horsehair flogger seems kind of soft and sensuous.
Did someone give it to you as a gift?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Lady Foole (;studying a soft, sensuous, horsehair flogger which was given to me as a gift.);

I do not advertise the dynamics of my relationship to avoid the know nothing do-gooders who feel compelled to rescue me from my bliss.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by andi

Team roping – America’s favorite sport.
– Ancient Kung Foole rodeo sticker

Some stuff happened, and then there was a battle.
Now this battle …
– Ancient Kung Foole book review of Sgt. Barry Sadler’s “Casca” series by Lady Foole

It’s purple. It’s mine.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by LadyGold

O-Ren Ishii: I’m going to say this in English so you know how serious I am. As your leader, I encourage you to — from time to time and always in a respectful manner, and with the complete knowledge that my decision is final — to question my logic. If you’re unconvinced a particular plan of action I’ve decided is the wisest, tell me so. But allow me to convince you. And I will promise you, right here and now, no subject will be taboo …except the subject that was just under discussion. The price you pay for bringing up either my Chinese or my American heritage as a negative is, I collect your fuckin head.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Lucy Liu (as Japanese Mob Boss in “Kill Bill, Volume I”)

Foole: How come I never get stripped naked and sexually humiliated by sadistic female prison guards?
Lady Foole: Because you volunteer too eagerly.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

As always, should you or any member of your Impossible Mission Force be caught or killed, the Secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions. This tape will self-destruct in five seconds.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

A zendo is not a peaceful haven, but a furnace room for the combustion of our delusions.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Eido Roshi

“Janet, are you up for a bit more?”
“Purr,” I explained.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Janet Miles

“I’m the guest-speaker entertainment committee.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Nikki, from Oklahoma City’s “Diverse Paths” (Your Humble Guest Speaker was highly entertained.)

1. Play
2. Make their day
3. Be there
4. Choose your attitude
It’s not about selling fish.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb )from Seattle’s Pike Place Fish Market)

People are having fun and they’re also, by the way, buying our fish.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Tim the Fishmonger (from Seattle’s Pike Place Fish Market)

The moment you try to imitate us you’re stuck.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by JP the Fish Thrower (from Seattle’s Pike Place Fish Market)

Yow! Two friggin’ degrees, you’d think I’d understand ‘foreshadowing’ by now.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Bladerunner (at “In the Woods,” after Philip commented how quiet it was in the back of the car between her and TeachMe2Nyt and then did something about it.)

(;running toward a helicopter);
Neo: Can you fly that?
Trinity: Not yet.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from “The Matrix”)

I have been carefully warping my mind for years, like a peculiarly formed bonsai tree.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Dave the Woodchuck (with thanks to Kevin Craig)

If somebody wears a t-shirt saying they’re a duck, I’m not gonna believe it ’till they quack.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by “aintnonames”

It seems to me that if a person wants a leopard as a companion, it would be well worth hir while to find out what leopards eat, what makes them playful, and how closely sie may resemble dinner. Otherwise, it’s just Darwin in action.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Anne Fraser (with thanks to Ms. PurrMeow of the KittyLair)

I don’t want to force my partner to safeword.
I want to reduce them to a quivering puddle of goo on the floor.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Ms. PurrMeow of the KittyLair

I thought it was exciting that we didn’t have a safeword discussion or even establish any really. We just began doing stuff. It wouldn’t have done any good with a hand over my mouth, not the way you put your hand over my mouth. I could have called all the colors of the rainbow and no one but me would have ever heard.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by “Kiss”

Thorney’s Rules:
Rule 1: There gotta be rules.
Rule 2: Nobody gotta follow them.
Rule 6174(k): They can be silly rules.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Thorney (with thanks to Bladerunner)

Thorney’s Commentary on “Thorney’s Rules:”
(1) was enunciated years ago by a young stepson, I don’t know where he got it.
(2) was put on by Mrs. Thorney when we were negotiating D/s, I retaliated with the third rule, I suggested Kaprekar’s constant for the number and she insisted on adding the (k).
I think it happened when I invented the rule that anytime I mention “absolutely obedient”, she is required to say “Yes, Master”. She frequently invokes Rule 2 on these occasions, since she likes having her bottom paddled.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Fetish Diva Midori, summing up a scholarly lecture on the history of “Ancient, Authentic, Mystical Japanese Rope Bondage:”
(; crosses eyes, sticks out tongue, and makes two-handed boob-grabbing gesture );
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Fetish Diva Midori

And the princess fell in love with the other two princesses,
and they all lived happily ever after.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by http://www.uncharted-worlds.org

Evil Plankton: I won’t be joining you. I’ll be working on my evil scheme to dominate the world.
Sponge Bob Squarepants: Well, good luck with that.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Master Jim: I bet people in the community think I’m an egotistical son-of-a-bitch.
slave marsha: Oh no Sir! They don’t think you’re egotistical.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Safe, sane and consensual.
Pick two.
One in a pinch.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“Just Ask Me”
– Ancient Kung Foole T-shirt, worn by The Evil Twin

My brother’s a slum missionary
Out saving young lassies from sin
For a shilling he’ll save you a redhead
Oh how the money rolls in!
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Aye, Callisto, put Xena in irons,
I hope you take Gabrielle over your knee,
But why, Callisto, does Xena obsess you?
You do it to her, but I wish it was me.

Aye, Callisto, I think that I love you,
You psycho bitch leather queen killer bombshell,
Hai! Callisto, I sing to your spirit,
An hour with you would be worth any Hell.
– Ancient Kung Foole parody of John Denver’s “Calypso” by Tom Smith Debasement Tapes

There are 10 kinds of people in the world
Those who understand binary
And those who don’t.
– Ancient Kung Foole geek t-shirt

Never judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes. That way you’ve got a mile head start and he’s barefoot.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

She’s the queen of the Silver Dollar, and she rules this smokey kingdom
And her sceptre is a wine glass and a bar-stool is her throne
And the jesters flock around her, and fight to win her favours
And see which one will take the queen of the Silver Dollar home
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show, lyrics by Shel Silverstein)

Foxxy Love (analyzing Princess Clara’s belief that she has become pregnant from a hot lesbian sex kiss): “Unfortunately, Princess Clara is kind of gullible.”
Princess Clara (talking to Wooldoor Sockbat, who has morphed into the form of a preacher): “So he died on the cross for our sins? I can see that.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from the astoundingly twisted Comedy Central cartoon, “Drawn Together.” Episode 2: Clara’s Dirty Little Secret – the Octopussoir)

You would have to be completely insane to volunteer to be the crash-test dummy for either one of those two workshops. And you volunteered for both of them??!!
Foole: (;arching one exquisite eyebrow);
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

I’ve got wood.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (observation by an audience member at a demo, observing a lovely, tightly bound nude woman suspended from the ceiling in ropes.)

Swallowed alive by a giant vagina.
I never thought I’d die this way.
I had kind of hoped, though.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Spanky Ham (on “Drawn Together”)

“But everyone calls him Master Trevor!”
“I don’t feel comfortable with that. If I call someone ‘Master’ I want it to mean something. I’m not his slave. We’re not doing a scene. I don’t want to cheapen the word by using it socially.”
“It’s just being respectful.”
“Respect is not where I start. It’s something I get to over time. He awarded himself the title. Plus, he’s a twat.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from “Jake the Rake” by Marcus Morgan. Jake is just your average BDSM-oriented, bisexual, polyamorous comic hero.)

They called the river “the river.”
They called the drum “the drum.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

There are campfire legends that the plainsmen spin
Of a man who was nothing like Paladin
Couldn’t ride, couldn’t shoot, but he won his fame
Because everything he said, said backwards was the same.
Palindrome, Palindrome, what’s in a name?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb: The Ballad of Palindrome (by Riders in the Sky)

Foxxy Love (noticing that the opposing team’s challenge is to “Invent a low-carb cure for polio” while her team’s challenge is to “Put an egg into a bucket.”:
“We seem to get the easy challenges. I wonder if that has something to do with the fact that I blow the producers.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from “Drawn Together”)

Nature I loved, and, next to Nature, Art.
I warmed both hands before the fire of Life.
It sinks, and I am ready to depart.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Walter Savage Landor

“You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman:
Stuff you pay good money for in later life.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Emo Philips (with thanks to kharma.)

Professor Farnsworth (;showing his inventions to his clone, Cubert);: And this is my Universal Translator. It could have been my greatest invention, but it translates everything into an incomprehensible ancient dead language.
Cubert: “Hello.”
Universal Translator: “Bon Jour.”
Professor Farnsworth: “See? Utter gibberish!”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from “Futurama”)

I’m part of the Middle-aged Guard.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Laura Antoniou

Lolita Wolf (;considering the public health implications of blood spatters on a hotel wall during a “caning and needle play” workshop);:
Oh well, no one is likely to be licking that wall.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

I had four black arrows under my belt,
Four for the griefs that I have felt,
Four for the number of ill men
That have oppressed me now and then.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Robert Louis Stevenson

“At the memorial (;for Hunter S. Thompson); neighbor and actor Don Johnson remembered once asking Thompson: What is the sound of one hand clapping? Thompson responded by slapping Johnson across the face.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (with thanks to MoragR)

By Odin’s Whiskers, I intend to commit hot lesbian sex with intent! (this is a girlfriend approved activity)
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by The Evil Twin

As my mother used to say, “I am a party all by myself!”
And she was unanimous in that.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Bladerunner

I failed as a writer because I had nothing of importance to say.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by B.F. Skinner

MaddMonk (;Demonstrating a lovely bondage tie which merged a piece of bamboo, some rope, and TeachMe2Nyt into a very sexy sculpture that forced her to squat on one leg with the other leg extened and her “crucified” arms tied down to her extended foot. Her position would clearly become quite stressful as time went on:); This is a page from “The Lazy Dom’s Handbook.” The bondage is the torture.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

I was recently shopping in the local upscale “haute couture” shopping district (Wal-Mart’s candy aisle) with the MiniFruitBat (age 11.) I have done my best to inoculate him against all manner of ignorance and superstition. Perhaps I may have overdone this.
He started ranting about the white chocolate Easter crosses that were on sale. “So Dad, if Jesus came today and was executed by lethal injection, the Christians would be eating white chocolate hypodermic needles, right?”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

It is said that the Kung Foole priests can walk through walls. It is also said that they are very good at repairing rice paper walls.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Master of Delight

There once was a priest named Foole,
The founder of an ancient Schoole,
All things he could penetrate
‘Twas said he was very great
and highly skilled using his toole.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Master of Delight

You can get anything you want (including Alice) at Alice’s Restaurant.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Arlo Guthrie (mostly)

Men are prone to lie on me.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Lynn Public

MiniFruitBat (faking weakness, staggers against wall and clutches chest):
Make way! Poor, sick, dying child coming through. I don’t know if I’ll live long enough to make it to (fakes weak cough) Disney World.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by the MiniFruitBat (With deep gratitude to “Wishing Star” for falling for this scam.)

Foole (to MiniFruitBat, sneaking up from behind): “Boy, you are about as stealthy as a not-very-stealthy herd of water buffalo.”
MiniFruitBat: “Water buffalo can be pretty stealthy.”
Foole: “Oh yeah? When was the last time you saw a stealthy water buffalo?”
MiniFruitBat: “Exactly!”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Glendower: I can call spirits from the vasty deep.
Hotspur: Why, so can I, or so can any man; But will they come when you do call for them?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (Henry IV, Part I)

Statistics is just rhetoric with numbers. And a person without training is as incapable of defending themself against a sophist in one as in t’other. Funny, they don’t teach rhetoric in schools anymore.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Vorticity Kappa

Do you buy your shoes in the size the “average” person wears, or in the size that fits your feet?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“On this point the S/M game is very interesting because it is a strategic relation, but it is always fluid. Of course there are roles, but everybody knows very well that those roles can be reversed. Sometimes the scene begins with the master and slave, and at the end the slave has become the master. It is an acting out of power structures by a strategic game that is able to give sexual pleasure or bodily pleasure.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by French philosopher and gay SM enthusiast Michel Foucault, on switching. (from Fillingham, L.A., Foucault for Beginners)

A moment later the couple went off — he, trained on some textbook that had blunted his capacity for wonder, she, inert and insensitive to the thrill of the infinite, both oblivious of the awesomeness of their encounter — their first and last encounter — with the One …
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Umberto Eco (Foucault’s Pendulum)

Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

One person driving, one person passenging. The passenger can either say “yes Master, you’re driving “Ooh, could we turn in here and try the scenic route?”, or “Turn left here, go two miles, and then turn right. Deviate from my directions, and you’ll be in serious trouble when we finally get there.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by vanishingAct

The Universe is a dangerous place.
If you don’t like it, stay home.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

I always get afraid when he gets like this.
Strangely this kind of fear is one of the magnets that keep me with him.
All of us moths are in love with the flame that is consuming us.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Lynn Public

When a dog is chasing after you, whistle for him.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Ralph Waldo Emerson

There once was a whip-wielding Foole,
who accepted a bullwhipping duel.
An expert he was not,
but the contest was hot
and the pain was so very cool
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by MasterofDelight

You couldn’t get a clue if you covered yourself with clue musk during clue mating season and did the clue mating dance in the middle of a field full of horny clues.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

So there was this guy in the lifestyle. We’re never met, although we’re probably crossed paths a zillion times or so. He writes a lot. He is very experienced and from what he wrote I knew that I wanted to be in his book of names. In fact, I wanted to be written into that book in blood with a couple of red stars next to my name.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Ms Toy

We use untested, artificially softened, perhaps hand made, no-stretch hemp rope, of small diameter and uncertain strength, and we worry about the strength of 20kN+ UIAA-rated climbing hardware?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by GrizzlyBear (with a bow of thanks to Taipan)

And before you get all happy, be informed that your punishment does not include pain or sex.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Nancy Lebovitz (www.nancybuttons.com)

Spirit first, technique second.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Gichin Funakoshi

“Are you talking to me?”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Travis Bickle

The relationship is begining to sound like an old dog who is in pain, and who needs to be put down. You know it’s a terrible thing to have to do, and that you’ll cry about it for weeks, but you also know that it’s the kindest thing you can do.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Lynn / Sockermom

Hemp rope scent excites
“Want to cane me with my cane?”
No need for blindfold
– Ancient Kung Foole Haiku (with a bow of thanks for inspiration to Masterwoof)

Haiku or senryu?
If it got past the censors
Not likely senryu
– Ancient Kung Foole Senryu (with a bow of appreciation to ~Stef)

90-pound gymnast
Sixty second shibari
Click “Get her down now!”
– Ancient Kung Foole Senryu

“This is Ambassador Delenn of the Minbari. Babylon 5 is under our protection. Withdraw, .. or be destroyed.”
“Negative. We have authority here. Do not force us to engage your ship.”
“Why not? Only one human captain has ever survived battle with a Minbari fleet. He is behind me. You are in front of me. If you value your lives, be somewhere else.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (with a bow of thanks to Cheryl Martin)

This was way less painful in the fantasy.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Philip the Foole, spoken while laying on the grass naked, covered with whip welts and staring up at the sky, after being co-topped at “In the Woods” by TeachMeTonight, MaddMonk, and Ms Toy.

Yeah, right. Sure, Phil. We believe you.
– Ancient Kung Foole skepticism by someone who knows me far too well.

I dream of your rope,
coiled like unspoken words.
Bind me, my mind quiets.
– Ancient Kung Fu Haiku by Laura / EmpressGate

Three ropes like three lines,
wrapped and knotted syllables.
I am your haiku.
*- Ancient Kung Fu Haiku by Laura / EmpressGate

There once was Fooleco Supplies,
A great source for ropes for ties,
Keri the test dummy
looked absolutely yummy,
as her struggles gave way to sighs
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Master of Delight In honor of http://www.fooleco.com

Sometimes the magic works. Sometimes it doesn’t.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (from “Little Big Man”)

Play will continue until something breaks, you, me or the furniture.
– Ancient Kung Foole “safeword negotiation” by Cavi-the-Pirate-Wench (with thanks to Ciedre / Lady Sea)

AFOG (Another Fucking Opportunity for Growth.)
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

@PtF Ha! Blessed again? What a lucky bastard you are!

“You know it is difficult to count in any language, much less Roman numerals, when someone insists on using judo kicks on your ass.” thought Ciedre during her birthday spankings. She prudently kept her comments to herself.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Geek Girl at a computer game party: (;distracts her male opponents in an interactive role-playing adventure game by flashing her character’s boobs.);
Geek Boy (;speaking into his headset to his pal sittting next to him);: “Dude! Check it out! She’s a level 10 Mage with Arcane Intelligence!”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by the MiniFruitBat, age 12

Why was I not informed that these people have lightning??!!
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by the MiniFruitBat, age 12 (while being thrashed in an online role-playing game)

In the end it’s really just me and my clit.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Lynn / Sockermom

My potato talked to me at dinner. It said “Would you like to know the secrets of the Universe?”
I said “Yes, but I don’t think I can learn them from a talking potato.”
So I ate it.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by the MiniFruitBat, age 12

In Vietnam they called me Ace.
I was responsible for the destruction of 5 aircraft.
Unfortunately I was flying them at the time.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Taipan

As the Kung Foole Priest was heard to say “If you have a rope in one hand and a hard-on in the other you, grasshopper, have found the essence of Shibari.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Taipan

“I have to respect the mindset of someone who goes to a tropical resort devoted to carnal decadence and spends his time taking pictures of his stuffed animals.” – Judge of “How I spent my vacation” contest, awarding first place to Spectrum for photographs of his stuffed gerbil Albert attending the Jamaican nude resort “Hedonism II.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Photo Contest Winner Announcement (Shaenon K. Garrity, http://www.narbonic.com)

Marriage can be a good thing in certain very rare instances. At least, that’s what I’ve heard. I haven’t checked the “Urban Legends” page.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

The best marriages are not 50-50, they are 100-100 — each partner trying hard to give the other 100 percent of what they want, or as near as they can come to it.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Mrs. Thorney

You like pain, don?t you?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Fakir Musafar (to Philip the Foole)

Climbing grade carabiner and anchor: 12.00
Two very large hooks: 22.00
Length of rope: 54.00
Watching your friend’s face as he spins like a landed fish at the end of the rope by said hooks…priceless.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Ciedre / Lady Sea

My two favorite colors are “Oooooh” and “SHINY!”.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Nancy Lebovitz (www.nancybuttons.com)

Ripley: “Get away from her, you bitch!”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (“Aliens”)

Hudson: “Hey, Vasquez… Have you ever been mistaken for a man?”
Vasquez: “No, have you?”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (“Aliens”)

We’re our father’s prejudices and our swordmaster’s dead men; our mother’s palate and our nurse’s habit of speech. We’re the books unwritten by our tutor, and our groom’s convictions and the courage of our first horse.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Francis Crawford of Lymond (in Dorothy Dunnett’s “Game of Kings”)

There once was master of Chi Kung,
Whose greatness was largely unsung.
To the envy of Mr. Foole,
He pulled a truck with his toole,
And now he’s extremely well hung.
– Ancient Kung Foole Limerick by Master of Delight in reference to: “Iron Crotch” master pulls truck with penis http://tinyurl.com/d9jee

What’s that you say Darling? Head? Said? Bed?
My darned hearing aid batteries must be dead again.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

A student asked Buddha “Dude, are you like, some sort of a god or superhero or something?”
Buddha replied “I am awake.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Who dares to say scaling academia isn’t an Xtreme sport? Proud warriors of Athena, scholars all, we hold the recollection of our pain as the dear goddess’ exhortation and our scars as markings of her tribe.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by “amp”

That has to be the lamest excuse for a miracle in the history of the world.
– Ancient Chanukah Proverb by the MiniFruitBat, (age 12)

Kung Foole Priest say “If you have a rope and a hard dick you have found the essence of Shibari.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Taipan

I do macrame – just with people inside.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by LadyGold (with appreciation to cu.cindy)

I figured you were in trouble because you were acknowledging pain. I knew your foot hadn’t been amputated…..so it had to be broken.
– Ancient Kung Foole “Get-Well” Proverb by Prairie Ribbon

Head shop owner, introducing himself: “People call me Dragon Wizard.”
MiniFruitBat, (age 12, instantly stepping forward to shake hands): “But your real name is ‘Bob’ right?”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Where all the fags and the dykes they’re boogyin’ together
The leather freaks are dressed in all kinds of leather
The greatest of the sadists and the masochists too
Screaming “Please hit me, and I’ll hit you”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb “Freakin’ at the Freaker’s Ball” by Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show

Ode to a Fnord

I frolicked foolish as a Fnord
But not for long, cause I got bored.
I took a bunch of little pills
On Boston Common’s grassy hills.
I wandered lonely through this whirled
Till suddenly a dragon twirled
And leaped and capered into view.
Oh Fnordikins who else but you
Could be so absolute a joy
You cheap stuffed plushie carnie toy?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“… these weapons [switchblades] are specifically designed as a vicious insidious weapon of assault, and can be devoted to no legitimate use in the everyday life of law-abiding citizens.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Congressional Testimony http://pweb.netcom.com/~brlevine/swbl-leg.txt

“Well, except for cutting rope, peeling an orange, doing odd jobs, looking cool … ”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by the MiniFruitBat, age 12, responding to the above statement while peeling an orange with a switchblade.

[Said regarding my jester cap & bells] Philip doesn’t “collar” people. He “hats” them.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Vicki

Never wear a kilt to a takedown scene.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Graydancer

Not everybody is going to be willing to put on a moose hat for you just so they can tip it.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Najakcharmer

Chattele is kind of gullible. She sends a check every month to support an “Ancient European House of Dominance” based in Lagos, Nigeria.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“Oh PLEASE don’t tie me to the mast and flog me, you evil pirate!” is NOT a safeword.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

“And only I lived to tell the tale,” is a tag usually found in MY line of work. Fiction.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Laura Antoniou, who “wrote the book” (several books, actually) on the Ancient European Houses of Dominance

William Penn (the founder of Pennsylvania) was imprisoned in the Tower of London for “illegal preaching” and writing heretical and inflammatory (i.e. Quaker) pamphlets. He was provided with pen and paper and commanded to write a retraction. Instead, he wrote another pamphlet. (I LOVE this guy!!) When Penn’s jury ignored the orders of the court and refused to convict Penn (despite the fact that he was clearly guilty and made a point of saying so) the JURY was imprisoned with him, and fined a full year’s wages each. The members of the jury, fighting their case from prison, eventually won the right to reach an independent ruling, free from the “instruction” of judges. This became the foundation for the right to “jury nullification” of unjust laws.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

The birthplace of a new religion is when you look around your church and think “I ain’t spending eternity with these assholes.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Taipan

Debating Jay is a complete exercise in futility because Jay Wiseman’s kink is Being Jay Wiseman.
– Ancioent Kung Foole Proverb by shibarigirl

A fighter, like an academic researcher, WANTS his opposition to improve.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Voron

I, Lalla, happened to enter the garden of bliss, and I was dazzled by what I encountered, Shiva in eternal embrace with Shakti … Whatever work I did became worship of the Lord. Whatever word I uttered became a mantra.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Lalla, (1320 – 1392) Kashmiri mystic poet and nude table dancer

Q. “How many shibari experts does it take to tie someone up?”
A. One hundred — One to do the tying and ninety-nine to say, “I could do that — but it’s not really SHIBARI.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Graydancer
quoted in Douglas Kent’s “Complete Shibari, Volume 1 – Land”

I’ll be posting my own review of “Complete Shibari” via the Ropecast shortly, but suffice it to say I (mostly) agree with my esteemed fellow satirist Philip. But meanwhile, observe my masculine domly “squeeeeeeeee!!” of delight at making it into the canon of Kung Foole proverbs… What an honor!
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Graydancer

“You’re not really a fan until you give up the expiration date of your VISA card.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Jim Duvall, regarding widespread piracy of his iconic “Harp Photo”

Er, that’s just my sense of humor.
All that moaning and gasping and thrashing around is not REALLY her safeword.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb, re: Chattele’s enthusiastic “stunt cunt” role at a “Female Ejaculatory Orgasm” workshop

Some people have a “Little.” I have an “Egomaniacal Exhibitionistic Slut” who was hoping you would consider including my “Chattele” name craftily woven in there somewhere, as they will undoubtedly go down in perv history along with the rest of the “Leaves Upon A Stream” that Professor Spectrum keeps for you.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Chattele

Without a winking smiley or other blatant display of humor, it is impossible to write a parody of the “Thousand Year Old Order of Ancient European Houses of True Dominant Old Guard Leather Masters” that someone will not take seriously and agree with.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (BDSM version of “Poe’s Law”)

Any technique, however worthy and desirable, becomes a disease when the mind is obsessed with it.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Bruce Lee (with thanks to Master Rope Knot)

Bitch please. If they aren’t adult enough to form and express their own opinions, they aren’t adult enough to be in a sexual relationship. Fuck ’em.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by the_lab_rat

Attempting to learn useful rope restraint methods by studying Japanese woodblock prints of torture porn is akin to attempting to learn Tai Chi by studying ceramic statues in Chinatown souvenir shops.
You can get picture-perfect imitations of each of the famous tai chi statues, but the transitions between postures are clumsy.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb (regarding the “Ancient and Authentic Mystical Lineage of True Dominant, Old Guard Japanese Shibari Masters,” who, like Arisue Go and Ito Seiyu, according to their own biographies, taught themselves bondage while whacking off to woodblock prints of torture porn.)

Professional Salesman for Sleep Apnea Gadgets — “You will have to come in for an overnight laboratory sleep study, and have an expert adjust your CPAP (Continuous Positive Air Pressure) machine. It is impossible to do this without consulting a highly-skilled, trained professional. I’m afraid this will cost you several thousand dollars.
Philip the Foole — “You mean I can’t just use the top-secret programming method of holding down the two arrow keys as I plug in this glorified leaf blower I bought on Craigslist, and hit the plus and minus key until the nose mask doesn’t blow off my face?”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb. (Any apparent relationship between this proverb and the claim that Ancient and Mystical True Japanese Shibari can only be learned in Japan from a Japanese Shibari Master on top of Mt Fuji at midnight during a lunar eclipse while dragging the sacred hemp rope slowly between the thighs of a 90 pound Japanese girl gymnast while an enlightened Zen Master chants “OOGA BOOGA! OOGA BOOGA! OOGA BOOGA! WAH!!” is entirely coincidental.) Philip_the_Foole

Your wit shines out like a stream of bat piss.
You are a golden shaft of light when all around is dark.
– Ancient Kung Foole Prover by Monty Python (with a bow of thanks to Mark Yu)

“I’m having art with my fun.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by CharlyB, responding to my observation that he clearly has a whole lot of fun with his art.

Watch out for any bill that says it will protect you from the nuke-hiding, nun-raping, baby-eating, Boogeyman-of-the-Month who is out to recruit your children for his kiddie porn ring.
I GUARANTEE that buried deep inside that bill is a little piece of your freedom the politicians want you to hand over.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

Grasshopper, if there is no sound in the forest, is that proof that a tree just fell?
(Any resemblance between this proverb and the complete absence of evidence of any deaths or prosecutions ever from any of Jay’s “irreducible risk of instant death” activities in a BDSM play space is entirely coincidental.)
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by LarryNTSL

“Jay Wiseman is the ‘Steven King of BDSM.'” ( http://tinyurl.com/csn9u9 )
Steven King left this “Family Guy” parody buried in the dust with his subsequent “Cell Phone” and “Stationery Bike.”
It is impossible for a satirist to work under these conditions.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

@ AmberKatt – Can you write jokes in English, Dutch and Icelandic?
Me neither.
@ AmberKatt – Kun je schrijven moppen in het Nederlands, Engels en het IJslands?
Ik ook niet.
@ AmberKatt – Getur þú skrifa brandara a ensku, hollensku og mslensku?
Mig hvorki.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by AmberKatt & Philip the Foole (with a bow of thanks to Google Translate)

@sadomaso writes, regarding the above use of GoogleTranslate: In case you haven’t figured it out yet, Philip_the_Foole’s constant use of GoogleTranslate to duplicate every single comment he’s written in here is because Philip is actually physically incapable of being serious. If someone pointed a loaded machine gun at his genitals while threatening to simultaneously run his head slowly through a woodchipper unless he was to act and speak completely and totally seriously for just one minute (sixty seconds), he would still come up with about seventy (i.e. more than one per second) jokes, quips, wisecracks, puns, double entendres, and deadpan humor comments on the situation at hand. He’d even spontaneously create several memorable ANCIENT KUNG FOOLE PROVERBS before the woodchipper cut off (erm, literally, in this case) his speech.

If someone could persuade me that Knight’s writings shouldn’t be given much weight (and I would listen to such an attempt at persuasion in good faith), then there’s a pretty good chance that I would feel that the evidence justified my changing my position on breath play.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Jay Wiseman

(sticking fingers in his ears)
La la la la!
I can’t HEAR you!!
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Jay Wiseman, in response to my refutation of both the original “urban legend” source and the faulty logic of Dr. Bernard Knight, his primary expert witness on the forensic pathology of judo chokes.
(with a bow of thanks to @chattele for the “La la la! I can’t HEAR you!” line.)

The simple fact of the matter is that in the Western world for the last 2,000 years, if you take a young man that’s full of testosterone…or an older man that’s full of testosterone…and you put him in a situation where he has the place, the equipment and the ability to do anything to a gorgeous young woman that he wants to, with absolutely no repercussions of any kind, he will torture her and rape her. That’s the core of what this is about.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by John Blakemore

As a Dom I feel the power is a gift given by the one with the power. As my character often says, “try hanging some vanilla bitch from her ankles and whipping her pussy until her eyes roll in back of her head.” My educated guess is that experience will offer you a great deal of time for self reflection. Say about twenty years for starters.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by (the evil character played by) @SgtMajor

“Take my lips and let them be /
Filled with messages from thee.”
Church is so much more meaningful when you have had your cock sucked just before the service.
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Thorney, based on a hymn by Francis Ridley Havergal, from the Presbyterian hymnal, 1874

“The truth is so important and sacred that we should use it very sparingly .
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Magnus Hakornason

“I like to play with things a while before annihilation.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Ming the Merciless (With a bow of thanks to NewLeaf84)

“Not everybody is going to be willing to put on a moose hat for you just so they can tip it.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Najakcharmer

“If someone you don’t know tells you that another person you don’t know is an abuser, and that person has a massive net footprint that spans decades and includes commentary from dozens of play partners and hundreds if not thousands of people who have seen him play, it is probably wise to look there before jumping to conclusions.”
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Najakcharmer
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A special note: In the interests of copyright, many of the Ancient Kung Foole Proverbs attributed to Pat Califia, specifically those from hir book “Diesel Fuel: Passionate Poetry,” (NY, Richard Kasak Books, 1997) are not reproduced here. However, even if you are one of those folks who “hate poetry”, you should go buy this book and read it. It’s incredible. ->- (a technogeek, with normally no interest in poetry). +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A post from Philip the Foole, from 25 Apr 1996, explaining the nature of some of the Ancient Kung Foole Sayings:

Re: Fun with dead animals (Was: Tanith and her privacy)

Much as I hate to digress from the slap-fest in progress between Lady Tanith and Master R., who mark, in my humble opinion, the high and low antipodes of ASB’s style meter, I can never refuse an inquiry from one of my beloved Foole Groupies (even a closet one).

>>One blanket, woven of many brightly colored fibers.
>- Ancient Kung Foole Proverb

>Leigh <leigh@uh.edu>: Dear Foole,
>I can’t let this one slip by again. How can this be a proverb? It has no verb? Please kindly explain this one to us poor left-brainers.
>Leigh,
>Closet Foole Groupie

Foole: You are quite correct that in one sense the term “proverb” means a form of the verb _do_ used to avoid repetition of a full verb. For example, the word “do” in “Bind hir wrists as I do” (rather than “Bind hir wrists as I bind them.”) is a proverb in this sense. However, except for the bizarre and highly eccentric bunch of people who call themselves Foole Groupies (_three_ of them have pointed this out to me thus far) no one else is aware of that usage. I think that all of my groupies must have posters of Cliff Claven, the pompous know-it-all wiseguy postman from “Cheers” hanging in their dungeons. Hmmm. I wonder if it means something that my groupies have a predisposition to worship pompous know-it-all wiseguys?

Babybear has provided a very thorough grammatical analysis.

“Ancient Kung Foole Proverbs” are adages/sayings/pieces of utter nonsense that I either steal from someone wittier than myself or make up as the occasion warrants.

As for “One blanket, woven of many brightly colored fibers,” an Indian Medicine Man said that to me in a dream/vision/hallucination. We watched braves of many tribes appear in the firelight and proudly announce/sing their tribal affiliation: “I am Kiowa, Kiowa, Kiowa. I am Cree, Cree, Cree. I am Commanche”

“One blanket, woven of many brightly colored fibers” is the distilled essence of Kung Foole, and is another way of saying alt.sex.bondage’s central maxim: “Your kink is OK, it’s just not my kink.” The idea is that we’re all in this together, and folks with different approaches to living and loving can live and work together in harmony.

Your Humble Jester,

Philip the Foole

Now, would a true Buddhist take sides in the Tanith/Master R. dispute and shout “Go Tanith!” like I did in my first sentence? Probably not. But hey, I never claimed to be perfect.

“I just love it when I see something I can plagiarize for the Ancient Kung Foole Proverbs.”

– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by Philip the Foole

  One Response to “The Kung Foole Proverbs”

  1. At the time this was posted, this is the collection as it stands on Fetlife, which should be the same as it stood on magenta @ http://www.magenta.com/~spectrum/kfp1.htm, however, magenta.com ceased to be a reliable host some time ago (per spectrum153) so I hope to preserve them here. I think it is possible there are proverbs that can still be collected from places where Philip posted. Those will be added to the end, just post them in comments if you have them. Please leave a citation. If you don’t want to post here, please use the Contact form at the top of this page. Thanks!